Telling your partner that you want to try something new sexually can be stressful no matter how fantastic your relationship is. Even if you already have great communication and an openness to talk about sex, it can still bring up fears of judgment and awkwardness. If you normally don’t talk about sex in your relationship, your sudden interest to do so may incite questions from your partner who may wonder where these ‘new’ thoughts are coming from. Allow your partner the time and space to ask questions that they may have, as this is an opportunity to open up and begin to explore your sex lives together.
You may be met with excitement, hesitation, interest, reluctance and even a flat out refusal to engage in conversation and/or entertain the new sexual desire. If you are met with a less enthusiastic response, don’t push the issue. Remember it is your partner’s right to process their feelings, even if it feels like you’re bursting with sexual revelation.
Before you confess your innermost sexual desires to your partner, think about how you can bring the subject up in a way that feels safe and non-threatening to your partner. Think about things you can say to encourage your partner to hear you out, and ask them to delay judgment and responses until you finish explaining the sexual desire and why it is important to you.
1. Begin with What’s Already Great
Just because you’d like to introduce a new desire doesn’t mean that they weren’t pleasing you before. It just simply means that you would like to take the sex play to another level of pleasure by enhancing what you’re already doing. Praise your current sex life to make sure your partner understands this is enhancement you’re talking about, not necessarily improvement (even though it might feel that way to you.)
2. Do Not Bring It Up During Sex
Nothing can spoil the mood more than telling your partner what you don’t like while they are in the midst of thinking that they are pleasing you. Not only will it ruin the mood and cause them to stop but it may also result in hurt feelings and unwanted alone time for you.
3. Choose a Relaxed Environment
Don’t have this conversation in the bedroom. The bedroom is a sanctuary, a place of peace, relaxation and sleep, not deep conversations. Consider having the conversation over a nice dinner or walk in the park, some place that is neutral and comfortable for both of you. Somewhere in the home is okay, but remember that it’s easier for your partner to beat a hasty retreat when there’s somewhere to escape to.
4. Remind Your Partner That You Are Vulnerable
Remember relationships are about trust, sharing and building an intimate bond. You should be able to share your desires with your partner without feeling anything other than loved and supported. It may help to remind your partner that you are feeling vulnerable by sharing these deepest desires, to take the focus off their reaction.
5. Go Multimedia!
People fear the unknown or what they do not fully understand. A visual aid can do some of the communicating for you, and help to relax your partner’s fears. If they can actually see what you’re talking about, it can help to peak their curiosity and excitement. Watch a movie together or read a scene from an erotic novel that illustrates your desire and use it as a starting point for a discussion.
6. Emphasize the Fun
Positively persuade your partner by telling them how much fun the two of you can have exploring and trying something new. We all like new things. Think of your sexual exploration as your own personal scavenger hunt. The prize is the ultimate orgasm.
7. Explain How It Will Benefit the Relationship
Whenever we are doing something that we truly enjoy, the feel good hormone dopamine pumps throughout our bodies. When released, it produces feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. Now couple that with Oxytocin, affectionately labeled “the bonding hormone” which is also released during sexual activity. It produces feelings of trust, emotional intimacy, relaxation, attachment and contentment between people. It calms the spirit and lifts moods, reducing fear and anxiety.
8. Use Alcohol with Discretion
While a drink or two might make it easier to have an open dialogue, you don’t want to end up saying something that you might regret because you’ve had a few too many shots of tequila. Cocktails lower our inhibitions, but they can also turn an important, meaningful loving conversation into something completely different. You might end up throwing out all your long-rehearsed efforts and not bothering with the whole thing, or worse, you might say hurtful things like, “You were always a bad lover, you never pleased me,” or “I’ve been faking all this time anyway.” Yeah, that’s not what you want to happen. Go easy on the substances.
9. Communicate Lovingly
Be supportive, not overbearing. Try not to place blame or pressure on your partner, as this will only create more stress and tension ultimately making the situation worse. Be loving and be patient. Remember things did not get this way overnight, so you can’t expect them to change overnight. It’s a process that is well worth the journey.
Sharing your sexual desires can not only empower you with new found confidence both in and out of the bedroom but it can also create an unparalleled level of intimacy between you and your partner. Your willingness to explore your sexual desires together can take you into exciting new territory far away from your old, boring sex script.
Dr. TaMara is an internationally renowned clinical sexologist, sex therapist, educator and speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has served as a consultant various organizations, colleges and universities across the country including the Department of Health and Human Services, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the American Psychological Association, just to name a few. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is also the Editor-in-Chief of Our Sexuality!, the premiere magazine for all things related to women’s sexuality and sexual health. Dr. TaMara holds a PhD and Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality, Master's of Social Work and Master's of Education. Learn more about Dr. TaMara on her website at www.drtamaragriffin.com.
