Fueled by the exploding popularity of erotic fiction, BDSM has moved from underground clubs to mainstream talk shows and magazines. Just a few years ago, people who would have been shocked at the idea of using silk ties during sex are now trading handcuff tips with friends and joking about safe words. But BDSM involves much more than occasionally blindfolding your partner or furry handcuffs.
What Does BDSM Stand For?
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, submission, and masochism and consists of multiple sexual activities involving power and control. BDSM enthusiasts break into three major areas starting with bondage. Bondage is a sexual activity based on one person restraining another. The restrained person is completely at their partner’s mercy, forcing them to submit to their partner’s power and control.
The second area of BDSM involves discipline and submission. The submissive (sub) is expected to serve the dominant partner (dom) and obey their commands. The dom typically enforces their power and control over the sub by disciplining them for misbehaving.
Masochism is the third area of BDSM and focuses on increasing sexual pleasure through sensory stimulation. This sensory stimulation could involve something as simple as ice cubes or vibrating nipple clamps as well as more advanced forms like electro stimulators. Masochists try to balance pleasure and pain – using one form of sensory stimulation to enhance the other. A masochist was probably the first person to coin the phrase: “There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain.”
Getting Started with Bondage Play
Dr. Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST and Adam & Eve’s in-house expert states that “when most people hear the term kinky sex, bondage is often the first thing that pops into their mind. Did you know that Dr. Justin Lehmiller, the foremost researcher on sexual fantasies, has found that bondage is the second most popular fantasy among all Americans? To understand this popularity, it's important to think about how we can go from scary to sexy. It can feel scary to think about being tied up for real. When we fantasize about it or play it out in a mutually consensual manner, we gain mastery over our fear. Playing with this edge is what makes bondage so exciting to so many people.”
So where do you begin? Bondage focuses on physical restraint, so it’s first important to talk to your partner so you both are on the same page. Then set boundaries such as what you would like to experiment with, and what is and what is not ok. Finally agree on a safe word or phrase. If at any time one party feels uncomfortable, they need only say the word or phrase and all actions stop. It’s important to note that “no” or “stop” should not be used, as sometimes they are a part of the fantasy.
Bondage beginners can then start to explore restraints and one of the most popular accessories are bondage cuffs. These are typically padded for comfort and extended wear, as well as having Velcro closures so you never need to worry about losing keys. However, if you really want to go the extra mile try an under-the-bed restraint system. This kinky set of restraints slips under the mattress and allows you to cuff your sub’s wrists and ankles. You can have them laid out spread eagle or use your naughty imagination. Once done, just tuck the restraints under the mattress until your next adventure.
Discipline & Submission for Beginners
When just starting out, or even if you’ve tried BDSM before, you first need to think about what role you are going to play. Will you be dominant, submissive, or take turns? You also want to establish how far are you willing to go. Do you want hairpulling and spanking, full-on restraints, or do you just want to engage in power play?
The thought of totally turning yourself over to another may seem a little daunting, however Dr. Jenni suggests that power play can be very psychologically sexy. “Don't forget that the mightiest sex organ is between the ears – aka the brain. Role play and/or exploring submissive and dominant dynamics in (and out of) the bedroom can give an erotic boost to the couple.”
Exploring Masochism
When it comes to Masochism, Dr. Jenni explains “we must remember that arousal in the human being exists on a pleasure-pain continuum. Sometimes, it is through the portal of pain and release of subsequent endorphins that pleasure can be experienced. It's like that endorphin high you get after exercising hard. This is why so many couples thoroughly enjoy pushing the edges of sensation and/or pain.”
Like many bondage activities, there are several ways you can begin to explore this area of kink. You can try nipple clamps, temperature play with ice cubes or hot wax, but the most common form is spanking. Spanking crosses the line between discipline and Masochism. Many naughty couples practice spanking as a form of discipline when the submissive disobeys or ignores their dom. When used as a punishment, spanking is often done bare-handed to establish the dom's power. For more serious offenses, a dom might spank their sub with a paddle, riding crop or whip. A moderate amount of spanking is a natural part of Domination/Submission. When taking to extremes, however, spanking can easily cross the line into full on Masochism. This more extreme form of spanking can involve canes, whips with knotted ends, and similar objects.
BDSM Toys
Sex toys are not only a great way to add spice and variety in the bedroom, they also are perfect for exploring BDSM, especially for beginners. We’ve made a list of the most popular BDSM toys to help get you started:
Handcuffs & Restraints
These items are used to restrain your lover, and when specially designed for bondage they let you comfortably and safely have them at your sexual mercy. Many fasten with Velcro to allow for quick release if needed, as well as you don’t have to worry about losing any keys.
Blindfolds
Blindfolds are an absolute “must have” when entering the world of BDSM. When slipped over the eyes, they easily allow you to explore sensory play. When sight is taken away, other senses such as smell, sound, taste, and especially touch are heightened. Plus, the submissive will be in a state of excitement and anticipation about what you are going to do next.
Spreader Bars
This device is normally made out of metal or wood. It features attachment points for bondage cuffs to attach the submissive too. While is can be used on the wrists and arms, spreader bars are typically used to spread the legs apart and hold them in an open position.
Whips, Ticklers & Paddles
Perfect for pleasing and punishing your partner, these bondage toys add the right amount of kink. Ticklers are the tamest of the three and normally feature feathers or another soft material to provide gentle teasing as you flick them over your partner’s body. Whips fall somewhere in the middle. Depending on the style you choose, you can use them for light flogging or to deliver more heavy discipline. Since they tend to be harder and less flexible, paddles offer the most zing in your swing and are ideal for spankings.
Ball Gags
If your submissive tends to get “mouthy” or you want them to be unable to speak, then a ball gag is an excellent choice to add a little kink to your BDSM play. Ball gags are smooth, round balls that fit in your sub’s mouth and strap securely around the back of the head. They often feature holes to make breathing easier, and while they may not be able to speak, they sure can moan and groan.
Sex Swings
A sex swing suspends one partner in the air, while the other can freely move about. Often, they feature clips to attach bondage cuffs to. Swings are great for exploring different angles and positions. Plus, they allow those needing a little more mobility to add some kink to their bedroom games.
Nipple Clamps
Clamps fall under the sensory aspect of BDSM. These toys apply pressure to the nipples and provide a wicked pinch. Plus, wearing clamps looks super sexy. Alternately, you can use clothespins, however you cannot adjust the tightness.
Collars & Leashes
This duo is the epitome of the Dom/Sub relationship. The collar turns the submissive into the dominant partner’s prized pet. Clip on a leash and the Dom takes total control, leading the sub where they will. Plus, collars look super sexy and other items such as cuffs can be clipped to them as well.
Bondage Kits
For those new to bondage, or those looking to beef up their sex dungeon, kits are a perfect way to play. They include multiple types of BDSM toys so you can experiment, incorporate several toys at once, and find what turns you on.
The Allure of BDSM
Most people see BDSM as little more than a kinky way to spice up their sex life. These experimenters generally stick to the softer side of BDSM with Velcro restraints, furry handcuffs, feathered ticklers, and light role playing.
Other practitioners are attracted by the power aspects of BDSM. People in powerful, high-stress jobs often turn to submission so they can give up control, even if it’s only for a few hours. Just as many people are interested in dominating someone. Having another person obey your commands and fulfill your sexual fantasies can be a huge ego boost.
The most serious participants, however, view BDSM as a lifestyle. They spend big bucks buying elaborate sex furniture and kinky leather costumes. Some BDSM enthusiasts even create formal dom-sub contracts to establish a codified set of rules and punishments for the sub to follow.
Tips for Safe Play
Dr. Jenni has these tips for exploring BDSM with a trusted partner:
- Discuss the BDSM activities you want to explore with your partner ahead of time.
- Establish limits and respect them.
- Develop a safe word that can be used to stop all activity when someone is uncomfortable or not enjoying themselves.
- Stay sober. BDSM can be dangerous if your judgement is impaired by alcohol or drugs that may cause you to push past boundaries.
- Check in afterwards. Nurture each other and emotionally connect to complete the experience.
