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Dear Laura & Larry,
After 25 years of sex, my wife has finally agreed to let me in the backdoor. We have done it a few times this year and each time I have proceeded very slowly with only mixed results. What can I say and or do to make her go from defensive reluctance to greater enjoyment of this new sexual frontier we are exploring? I?ve read one book but obviously need some other ideas. Do you have any suggestions besides patience? --Frustrated and Excited
Laura's Response:
Dear F&E,
Well I?m pleased to hear you are going nice and slow! Keep doing that. To get her to enjoy it more, be sure she is really warmed up and very relaxed before getting freaky. Bubble bath, massage (from you), a cocktail or two--whatever it takes. Then, extend your foreplay and give all of her (not just the backdoor) a little extra love. When you finally go for the backdoor, do lots of external touching and massaging before penetrating it. Start with your fingers before moving up to two fingers and then your penis, and use lots of lube. In the meantime, have her stimulate her clitoris (with fingers or a vibe) so she gets some direct pleasure at the same time. Consider getting her a few toys that let her experience anal pleasure at her own control, such as the My First Anal Toy or a Seahorse Triple Action Vibe. With these, she will learn to connect anal stimulation with other pleasure. In the end, if she just doesn?t like anal sex (and some women don?t), then you have to say sayonara to the backdoor.
Larry's Response:
Dear F&E,
Good job with coaxing her to try this out! Like many rarified pleasures, anal sex is an acquired taste which one enjoys because of its forbidden nature and its rarity in the course of your sex life. Going slowly during the actual process is, of course, highly recommended, but that doesn?t ensure a satisfactory outcome for both of you, as you?ve indicated. Which means that the issue isn?t just ?use more lube? or ?go slower? ? the mechanics of the act ? but in the psychology of your wife. It sounds like she has a classic case of ?anal anxiety?.
In my experience, most women who choose to experiment with anal sex later in life do so with a great deal of anxiety and trepidation, both from concerns about its propriety (the ?nasty factor?, or ?nice girls don?t take it up the butt?) and the potential discomfort involved. Trying to rationally address these issues is going to be only somewhat helpful ? the key issue is likely more emotional, and should probably be dealt with on that level.
Consider her position: her husband has coaxed and suggested this act which she?s always been told is ?kinky? ? and she loves you enough, and is curious enough, to indulge in experimentation. That doesn?t remove the anxiety about the pain and the potential negative feelings, it just balances them somewhat. And more than likely the anxiety and anticipation is what?s shorting her out on the idea before you even get to the mechanics. So by the time you actually get to the lube-application stage, all the elaborate preparations you may have made to relax her physically have actually cranked up the level of anxiety she feels. And by that time, she knows that you are so excited by the prospect that stopping because of her fears would disappoint you ? so she toughs it out and has a mediocre experience, and both of you feel a little negative afterwards. |
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So how do you counter this? Toys and foreplay help, perhaps, but if she?s already reluctantly agreed to put anal on the menu, the dread and anticipation is still going to be there. Of course ?surprising? her with anal when she?s not expecting it is out of the question, and could lead to some serious marital counseling sessions ? but postponing the issue until she?s already warmed up and in the throes of passion might make her both more willing and less anxious about the experience. Having her segue from an orally-inspired orgasm, through lots of heated fondling and touching and kissing, and approaching the subject then instead of well before-hand should help. And consider spontaneous anal play without penetration in the regular course of your love-making ? it teases her kinky feeling about the act, but offers her relief from her anal anxiety when you decide to not go there.
If you drink, a couple of glasses of wine or cocktails beforehand couldn?t hurt (a friend of mine has a three-tequila-shot ritual before doing anal). Consider letting her play around your back door, if you?re both game, to help decrease any potential power-issues that might be riding her anxiety. Don?t make a huge deal out of it, because that magnifies the issue dramatically and that rarely leads to a satisfactory time.
And remember the old joke about married women and anal: ?I really, really don?t like anal sex. Y?know, unless I?m in the mood for it.? Stay cool and open to the idea, but don?t push it, and with experience she?s more likely to be in the mood for it more often than if it becomes a point of contention in your relationship.
Dear Laura & Larry,
If I get circumcised, would I last longer in bed? --Uncut
Laura's Response:
Dear Uncut,
Possibly. Removing the foreskin from your penis (circumcision) takes away a lot of sensory tissues that can provide a lot of pleasurable sensations. Without so many good feelings, you might last longer--but it?s extremely doubtful you?ll significantly add to your hang time. You might be able to last longer in terms of a few minutes at most. But surgery is an extreme option. There are many nonsurgical and nonmedical ways to last longer that will let you keep all those good feelings from your foreskin. You can last longer when you use a condom (mild desensitization), a cock ring (delays orgasm) like the Glow Tri Rings, or even simply some numbing spray like the A&E Delay Spray.
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