It can be hard to move on after breaking-up with a long-time partner. Here a few tips for getting back in the dating game and boosting your sexual desire from an accredited counselor.

Regaining Sexual Desire After Ending a Long-Term Relationship

Many people experience the loss of sexual desire after a painful breakup and this is completely normal. You should not feel guilty or pressured to become sexually intimate again after a breakup until you are emotionally and physically ready. Each individual is different and this means that there is is no specific time frame in which your feelings of intimacy will return, but the next few paragraphs will provide you with tips about how to regain your sexual desire.

 

Regaining sexual desire after ending a long-term relationship may seem almost impossible, but there are ways to actively address and overcome this challenge. First, you need to understand why a difficult break up can lead to a loss of sexual desire. It is not uncommon to experience a significant amount of fear, stress, and anxiety after ending a serious relationship, and a 2015 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy shows that stress is associated with decreased sexual desire, sexual function, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction.

 

Another study, published in the International Journal of Impotence Research, indicates that the stress and anxiety that is the result of an intense conflict, such as one that leads to a break up or divorce, is associated with secondary erectile dysfunction in some men.

 

In addition, sexual intercourse can be very intimate, intense and emotional for some couples. Subsequently, the idea of giving oneself to another individual and sharing that level of intimacy with a new partner can cause fear that may actually deter a person from wanting to enter into a new sexual relationship. The fear of going through another break up after becoming intimate with another person may decrease sexual desire as well.

 

A difficult break up can also lead to symptoms that are similar to those which are caused by widower’s syndrome, which refers to losing a spouse and feeling guilty about experiencing any form of pleasure without the spouse. Widower’s syndrome has even been linked to performance anxiety.

Overcoming The Challenges

Here is a list of ideas that could help you regain your sexual desire

 

Allowing yourself time to grieve

One of the keys to regaining sexual desire after a long-term relationship ends is allowing yourself time to grieve. It is important to let yourself experience all of the emotions that arise, because suppressing them can actually worsen your stress or anxiety levels, thereby making it harder to move on and begin to regain your sexual desire. Furthermore, the grieving process is often a time to heal that also gives individuals a chance to reflect on the ups and downs of the relationship. A brief period of contemplation can help you recognize positive aspects of your personality that may make your next relationship stronger, as well as negative attributes that may need to be avoided.

 

Distract yourself with activities

Find ways to engage in pleasant activities every day (e.g., going to the movies, a concert, dancing, aerobics), even if you don’t really want to. This is an important step that will help you learn how to become happy again despite the hurt and pain you may be feeling.

 

As you begin to overcome your grief, you will notice that your level of happiness will gradually start to increase. According to research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, happiness improves sexual problems (e.g., desire and arousal) as well as sexual satisfaction. This means that setting time aside for pleasurable activities in the midst of the break up, better prepares you for a happy, new relationship, and sexual satisfaction when you decide to become intimate with a new partner.

 

Connect with others who have experienced a painful break up

Surrounding yourself with supportive people can help lift your spirits, distract you from persistent negative feelings, and even place you in settings where you could potentially meet a new partner. Being around people who support you can also provide a safe opportunity to express your feelings without worrying about being judged or heckled for talking about your painful breakup. Finally, supportive individuals who know you quite well may know just what to do to help you through this difficult time.

 

Avoid stress factors

It is a good idea to find ways to avoid other stress factors in your life during this volatile time. For instance, if you normally work long hours, try to work a little less if you have the option, or if you were about to make a big financial decision, consider putting it off for a while. Going through a painful break up is a major transition, and learning how to move on involves findings ways to make yourself happy, even if it is for brief moments.

A Final Word

As you learn how to experience pleasure in different activities, your sexual desire should gradually return as well. We are biologically inclined to a sexual nature, but the fear, stress, anxiety, and even guilt that often accompany a break up can disrupt this bodily process. As you actively find ways to overcome these types of negative feelings and emotions, your urges to enter a new, intimate relationship will begin to return and you can simply enjoy this new chapter of your life.

 

About the author

Takeesha Roland-Jenkins, MS is a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which offers sex-therapy online programs for treating premature ejaculation. She holds a MS in psychology and a MS in Neurology. She has also served as a counsellor.

 

Sources

Abedi P, Afrazeh M, Javadifar N, Saki A. The relation between stress and sexual function and satisfaction in reproductive-age women in Iran: a cross-sectional study. J Sex Marital Ther. 2015;41(4):384-90.