October Ask Laura:

Question of the Month

Dear Laura, My wife and I love to have sex often. We have been married 3 years, and we are still just like newlyweds. We have some problems with sex because I am chairbound. I have thought about a sex swing to better position ourselves for sex, but I’m not sure if a swing would be (1) comfortable for her, and (2) high enough for me (my wife is not an athletic all-star either). Cushions and pillows don’t seem to work very well. Any advice? --Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
Yay for hot married sex! Your thought about a sex swing is a good one! The Adam & Eve Love Swing is both comfortable and adjustable. The straps are padded, so your wife should be quite comfy, and you can hang the swing from a door frame, a load-bearing ceiling beam, or from the awesome Swing Stand. As far as cushions go, you might need to specialize. The Liberator products are designed to be firm enough to support most anyone, and are comfortable, too. With theLiberator Ramp and Wedge combo, she can get in a lot of different supported positions!

Dear Laura, It seems men these days are into dipping into every hole I’ve got! How do I have clean anal sex without the backdoor getting out and all over the sheets? --J

Dear J,
First let me say, that anal sex should not be painful or messy. If it is, you’re doing something wrong! You might have used something that’s too big for you, or moved too quickly. Anal play and anal sex are slow, loving processes. You should always start small and work your way up to something as large as a penis. Also, you should be in perfect anal health before indulging (that means no diarrhea, no constipation, and no hemorrhoids). To keep it nice and clean, you have a few options. You could eat a high-fiber meal for a cleansing movement beforehand. You could use an anal douche (although it’s not medically necessary) to be squeaky clean--check out the Carefree Anal Douche for this. To clean the external area and feel (literally) Minty Fresh, I highly recommend Sphincterine. Also remember: Use plenty of nice, thick lube for all kinds of anal play to make things nice and slippery! Good luck!

Dear Laura,
I’m young and inexperienced with sex. My guy is very pleasing in bed, yet we have multiple problems. He is rather large for me and it’s difficult for him to get inside or for us to try new positions since I have a tilted vagina and we are both very inflexible. It seems that he can reach an orgasm almost instantly but yet keeps trying way past when he wants to just for me and gets tired. I’m afraid that he will get upset that he has to work this hard for such minimal results and leave me. I would just like to be able to share that special moment with him. Please help me, I’m to the point of frustration and tears.--Nervous

Dear Nervous,
First let me say that you are perfectly normal, and obsessing and getting anxious about having an orgasm isn’t doing you any favors. Most women do not come from penetration alone! There are many reasons you may not be coming with him, and it has nothing to do with how much you love him or how hard he’s trying. First, I recommend backing off a bit--don’t make sex so goal-oriented. If all you focus on is the orgasm, you’ll end up disappointed, and you’ll miss out on all the other fun in the process! Second, I do recommend you get a vibrator for yourself. Use it, and start to learn what feels good to you. If you can make yourself come, then you can have orgasms with him! A really terrific beginner toy is the Fukuoku 9000 (you can use it on him, too!). Next, take plenty of time with foreplay, for two good reasons: the more turned on you are, (1) the easier it will be to orgasm and (2) the easier it will be for him to naturally fit inside you because you’ll be all lubed up from the excitement! The vagina stretches when you’re aroused, and becomes quite wet with lubrication, making it much easier for a large penis to slip in, but go slow anyway. Remember: you don’t have to have penetration to have sexy fun. Brush up on your oral skills. Finally, I always recommend a really great vibrating cock ring so you can get those tantalizing vibrations on your clitoris while you’re having sex! The A&E Clit Bumper is a great choice! Good luck!

Dear Laura,
I am a widow, and the last years of my husband’s life were sheer hell for me with his increased drinking and my decrease in having feelings for him, so he would tend to force me into sex just to get his kicks. I have met someone wonderful and we are now engaged to be married. We plan on waiting to make love until then, but we still play around and have fun in bed. My problem is that I cannot relax enough to get off using anything from toys to him sucking on me. I know I disappoint him, and it is disappointing to me. He actually planned a weekend alone for us from music to candles to movies, etc., and nothing worked. What do I do?--Worried

Dear Worried,
My response to Nervous above is a lot of what I would also tell you. There are many reasons you might not be having orgasms with your new man. I suspect that some of them are emotional reasons, and I’m not qualified to talk about that. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in sexual issues to begin to resolve those bad feelings. I recommend that, like Nervous, you and your man stop focusing so hard on you achieving an orgasm. You didn’t say whether you can give yourself an orgasm--if you can, it’s just a matter of bringing your partner into the fun, step by step. Spend lots of time on foreplay, watch a hot dirty movie to get really in the mood (check out Eden), and relax a little bit.