Dear Laura and Larry, My boyfriend has masturbated for over 20 years before I met him. I was the first one he had sex with in over 20 years. It takes him a long time before he comes. I have tried to do oral on him, but I can't get him to come. What am I doing wrong? He would love to know what it feels like to come with oral. Can you help us? Thanks! --Lollipop

Laura's Response:

Dear Randy Lollipop,
You are not doing anything wrong. He may be so used to coming by himself that he's not prepared for your attention! Often, men grip themselves quite firmly when masturbating. So firmly, in fact, that oral sex or vaginal sex can feel less stimulating, and it takes them longer to come. The best way to get him off, then, would be to make sure he is very sensitized. Tell him to lay off the hand love for a few days, so that he's really wanting it. Then, take lots of time to get him (and you!) in the mood--maybe watch an adult film, like Pop for some inspiration. Start teasing him gently, and make sure you concentrate your tongue work on his frenulum, or that ridge from the head of the cock down the shaft, just under the military helmet (the most sensitive part). Get some lube (ID Juicy Lube is tasty!) on your hands and use those on the shaft to squeeze him gently. You can also get a Fukuoku 9000, and touch it to your cheek when going down, it'll give him sensational vibrations that aren't too strong.

Larry's Response:

Dear Lollipop,
Firstly, don't dis your boy for his hobbies. There are two kinds of men in the world: those who will jerk off at any available opportunity, and those who lie about it. Whacking off is an essential part of male sexuality, and while excessive use can, indeed, reduce sensitivity over time, it's more likely that your boyfriend is just experiencing the usual reduction in sexual response that happens to us all in middle age. When we're young, we produce tons of testosterone which, combined with youthful enthusiasm and inexperience, causes us to go off like a geyser at the slightest provocation. As men age and become more sexually sophisticated, we also see a steady decrease in testosterone that can complicate the quick-and-easy orgasm.

That being said, I might recommend that you continue to try fellatio with his orgasm as the result. It's likely that you just haven't hit upon the right combination of techniques. Some men respond better to some things, like deep throat techniques, and some men prefer far more manual (hand) stimulation in order to reach their moment. All too often women in your situation get frustrated with how long it takes, though, and that gets communicated to your guy making it that much harder to make a splash. If you're fairly confident your basic technique is pretty well mastered, consider some advanced moves, like stimulating his prostate (if he's up for it - not something you should surprise him with . . . ). In any case, with a little practice, some patience, and some creativity you can be giving your man the ultimate gift in no time. And all the extra practice isn't going to be bad for the relationship, I promise you! Good Luck!

Dear Laura and Larry, I love my wife but sometime I like a little more in bed--a nice toy in my ass or balls. Is this common, or am I the only one? --Alfie

Laura's Response:

Dear Alfie,
It's perfectly common, and you are definitely not the only one! Lots of men love a little more sensation--it adds to the overall experience. A great way to get some of this easily would be with a cock ring specially designed to give you stimulation. Check out the Bong O Cock Ring or the out-of-this-world His and Hers Rabbit Cock Ring. Cock rings are designed to be worn during sex, and these will help you keep an erection, give your wife some amazing pleasure, and add to your sensations, too!

Larry's Response:

Dear Alfie,
Yes, you're the only one, you freak. KIDDING! Indeed, many men like a little anal and scrotal play, once they get past any of that homophobic nonsense about their butts. The scrotum is packed with nerve endings comparable to the female vulva, and the pendulous nature of the "fellas" make it possible to do all sorts of intriguing things both before and during intercourse. Likewise, your backdoor is highly sensitive, and just inside is the magical powerhouse of male potency, the prostate gland. There are a plethora of toys designed to ride in back while you're getting your groove on that shouldn't, if properly used, dampen your woman's mojo.

But it sounds like your main issue is convincing your woman that this is an OK thing. First, assure her loudly and repeatedly that a desire for anal stimulation IN NO WAY means you're curious about homosexuality (if you indeed are, then that's a separate issue). Some women feel threatened when men bring up butt-play, because often the only context they have for understanding it is gay sex. Explain to her that your desire to tap the illicit pleasures of the ass doesn't mean you don't find her attractive, that she's unsatisfying, or that you aren't fulfilled in the relationship. Put it in terms of the "male G spot", which is something she can relate to. Then carefully introduce your toy of choice into the conversation, explain how you want to use it, and offer to indulge her in some hidden fantasy or bit of experimentation in return. Maybe spend some time browsing the Adam & Eve website looking at options - likely you'll both find something you'll like! Good Luck!

Dear Laura and Larry, I have heard from a couple different people that if women don't have sex for an extended period of time that the hymen will grow back. Considering that my husband is deployed right now and I won't be having sex for somewhere between a year and 18 months, this kind of concerns me (I remember how painful it was the first time). So I'm just wondering if there is in fact any truth to this. --Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom

Laura's Response,

Dear Deprived,
There is no truth to it; your hymen will not grow back after a while without sex. Once it is torn, it is torn; you don't revirginize. Nor will you be any "tighter" from lack of sex (though it may feel that way at first). What is more likely to happen after an extended period without penetrating sex is that you may get caught up in the moment and have vigorous intercourse before you're fully lubed and ready. This can cause chafing and irritation--even some bleeding, if his penis is somewhat thick. A whole lot of sex in a short time (say, when hubby comes home!) can cause a lot of irritation and swelling. Swollen tissue is easier to tear and bleed. So try out Auntie Laura's not-quite-patented coochie first aid program! 1. Pre-lubricate yourself before sex, preferably with a silicone lube that won't dry up. Try the ID Millennium. Reapply as needed. Second, get as much foreplay as you can before jumping on him. The more turned on you are, the better it will feel. Afterward, if you've been humping like bunnies, you may be a bit (or a lot) sore. Indulge in a hot Epsom-salt soak in the tub, and pop a few NSAIDs, like aspirin or ibuprofen, to keep swelling down.On the other hand, if you do want to feel like a virgin again, you can try some temporary shrinking cream, like the Embrace Organic Tightening Gel.

Larry's Response:

Dear Deprived,
Who are these people, and what mail-order Caribbean medical school have they gone to? The hymen is a temporary, one-shot piece of tissue that, once gone, is gone for good. If it could grow back then you wouldn't have hundreds of Japanese women paying thousands of dollars a pop for "hymen restoration" before their wedding nights. In some rare cases the first time you have sex might not remove the hymen entirely, so an extended period of time between losing your virginity and the second time you have sex might feel like it grew back, but more likely the second penis is just finishing the job the first one started. Think of the hymen as that piece of plastic that comes on your new cell phone screen when you buy it to protect it: once you tear it off, it's pretty much gone. Prolonged abstinence (and I mean decades, not months) won't even do it. It will lead to a tightening of the vaginal tissues, since frequent intercourse stretches them slightly, but that's about it.

You could look upon your husband's 18 month deployment as a way to be super-tight for him when he gets back, but no doubt he'll be so happy to see you he won't notice (or won't remember) enough for it to matter much. But if you want to keep your homefires burning on the homefront while your warrior defends our nation, I'd recommend a selection of toys including the enormously popular Clone-A-Willy, so that your happy place can wax nostalgic for your man. It's a simple and fun process that allows you to create a vibrating dildo the exact shape and form as your husband. Upside: it's always ready, always hard, and it can go all night. Downside: it won't rub your back first and it won't take out the trash. While it's a poor substitute for the real thing, it can be a comfort for a couple forced to spend time away from each other. And then you can always get a larger lifelike dildo and pretend that he brought home Hugh Jackman for a little threeway fun, too . . .