Ask Laura & Larry, March 2009

Dear Laura and Larry,
Recently my boyfriend asked if it hurts me when we have anal sex He told me I could try it on him, that way he would know what he put me through. I'm just feeling confused—that doesn't make him gay, does it? I'm thinking he's just curious, he said he would try anything with me and only me. --Confused

Laura's Response:

Dear Confused,
People enjoy anal play and anal sex for one simple reason: it feels good! Just because a man enjoys anal play does not necessarily mean he's gay--it means he's a human being with nerve endings that like to be stimulated. Look at it this way: enjoying oral sex does not necessarily make you lesbian. Your sexual orientation is determined by whom you fall in love with, not the sexual acts you prefer. Now, if your partner wants a man to be doing it to him, then he might be gay, but he has clearly stated he's willing to experiment with you only. As far as going up his back passage, be slow and loving, and check out the Protouch Vibrator to give him some wild prostate stimulation!.

Larry's Response:

Dear Confused:
Relax, hon, your gaydar is on the fritz.The one thing that gay and straight men have in common is their anatomy, and anatomically speaking the male “G-Spot" is our prostate gland, way up in the rectum.Wanting to experience the sexual pleasure of a little friction back there should not be seen as equating to a maddening desire for show tunes and tastefully elegant decorating.More than likely your manly man is far more insecure about proposing such a thing for just that reason, and used your own anal experience as a segue into his secret desires.My recommendation?Relax, and treat your fella to a long slow hummer with a well-lubed finger up his butt.The prostate is about 2-3" inside, so just make a “come hither" gesture with your finger and watch him light up like a pinball machine - a perfectly heterosexual pinball machine.If he likes it, proceed to a small vibe and work up from there.Now if he starts dressing decently and buying muscle magazines, THEN start worrying.

Dear Laura and Larry,
I have been with the same guy for about four years now and have been married for a year. Before and when we first started dating, he used to look at Playboy and other magazines. But he stopped because he knew I didn't like it and was uncomfortable with it. I think I'm jealous of the girls in it , and I think that he would like somebody in the movies and magazines more. So I don't know if you would have any suggestions about how I could overcome it, or maybe some DVDs that might help me. I know he wants to watch them but doesn't want to make me mad. If you can help, please do! --Sparkles

Laura's Response:

Dear Sparkles,
I get this same kind of question a lot, but from men who think that sex toys will “replace" them. Consider this: There is no competition (or comparison, really) because you have already won. He married you. Images in a magazine are just that--images, not flesh-and-blood women in front of him. Most of them are airbrushed or otherwise enhanced, so they are really just fantasy. Men are visually stimulated (more so than women), and looking at magazines simply revs them up for you. Remember, you are the whole package--looks, personality, love, brains, and your life together. The women in the movies and magazines can't even come close to that. Movies especially--that's not real life, that's total fantasy. Ever notice that in an adult movie, no one farts or gets the giggles, or a leg cramp, and there are no awkward conversations? Watching movies together can be a great way to get in the mood, as you can both fantasize, and then turn all that energy onto each other for some hot fun! I'm going to recommend a very silly adult movie, because if you can start by laughing and giggling a little bit, it will be easier for you to get into it. University of Austyn was one of the cutest and funniest adult films I've seen in ages. Space Nuts was also a spoof. Go ahead, laugh! Relax, you're the top woman in his heart and bed.

Larry's Response:

Dear Sparkles:
It isn't that you're feeling jealous of the models in the magazines, you were feeling insecure - big difference.Both men and women come to matrimony with a suitcase full of baggage, and a woman's insecurity with her body is usually packed on top where she can reach it easily.You see those women as a threat to your relationship because you, for some reason, thought that putting a ring on his finger meant that he was surrendering 100,000 years of sexual instinct, and you feel (despite the obvious evidence) that his finding other women sexually attractive means that he will wander off in favor of them some day.In point of fact, of the 2 billion women in the world, he chose you to share his life with.That should count for something.Beyond that, try to look at his desire for porn as a positive thing, a force in your relationship that will help keep you on your toes, sexually speaking.Take it from me, complacency and boredom are certified relationship killers, and using that gentle pressure as an incentive to hit the gym, become comfortable with your own body, and explore your own sexuality is the wise move.Nothing banishes insecurity like having your hubby rip your clothes off in a fit of passion - so try to be that inspiring, as well as being open to having your clothes ripped off.As far as the porn goes, relax about it.I've met a lot of porn stars and models, and without even laying eyes on your husband I can say with a certain measure of confidence that a) they are TOTALLY out of his league and b) they rarely make ideal partners in a relationship.So relax - Bree Olson isn't coming after your man.And if you don't know who Bree Olson is, hon, you've got some erotic research to do!

Dear Laura and Larry,
My husband is always wanting me to give him head. I have never done this before and have never wanted to try it. But I feel bad for him, because he goes down on me, but I do not return the favor. Are there any suggestions to possibly get me to do this? He is currently in Iraq and will be home in about a month and half, and I hate to disappoint him anymore. Please help, I could use it! --Going Down

Laura's Response:

Dear Going Down,
I commend you for wanting to please your husband, especially as he comes home! The important thing here is to move in ways that you are comfortable with. Giving oral sex (or any kind of sexual behavior) should not be a “well, I did you, so now you have to do me!" kind of exchange. There are easy ways to become comfortable with oral sex, but be sure you don't do anything you don't want to do! To begin with, the experience might be more pleasant for you with some tasty flavor added! I recommend ID Juicy Lube --slather it on, and it'll taste great! Be sure to get your hands in on the act and stroke his shaft--you don't have to do all the work with your mouth, you know. In fact, you can bring in a masturbator (combined with the flavored lube) for the shaft and concentrate your tongue on the sensitive penis head (check out the 2-Tone masturbator for great value). Only take as much of him in your mouth as you are comfortable with. Mother Nature put your gag reflex there for a reason, and there is no requirement that says you have to take that love wand all the way down your throat. For terrific BJ tips, check out Tickle His Pickle, and don't forget the I Love BJ kit. Last, swallowing (his cum) is up to you--not everyone does it, so you don't have to. Remember to have fun, and enjoy.

Larry's Response:

Dear Going Down:
Once thought the exclusive province of whores and bad girls, fellatio has become a staple in the American bedroom for decades, now - welcome to the 21st century. As a manly man myself, allow me to say that yes, getting head probably rates as one of the top three all-time greatest things to have happen to you. As the saying goes, there's no such thing as a bad blowjob. And it concerns me that you are taking such a cavalier attitude with such an important part of your relationship. You see, when everyone else's wife or girlfriend is happily getting on their knees, your poor husband has to live in a world without head - and does so because he loves you. A slightly disreputable friend of mine frequently points out the importance of regular fellatio in a relationship this way: “If she ain't suckin' it at home, somewhere out there there's a skank willing to suck it for him!" While crude, one cannot help but appreciate it's validity. Fellatio is one of the most loving, giving ways a woman can show her love and appreciation for her man . . . but it's also a quick and easy way to score serious points for some women. A quickie BJ in a closet at a party on some happily married dude is how some women sustain their own self-image and self-worth, and a man who has been doing without for a long, long time, no matter how noble in spirit, is particularly susceptible. And being in an active war-zone can't help but hike up that ol' biological urge. The only way to eliminate this potential danger is to make sure that he's so blissfully happy with your oral skills that he isn't even tempted.

But that means you need to develop some oral skills. If he's due back that soon, then I recommend the highly instructional "How To Tickle His Pickle", which is about as close as you can get to a penis operator's guide. Read it from cover to cover, and then start practicing. Start with bananas and popsicles, practicing covering the entirety with your lips without using your teeth. Ask a close girlfriend for her advice and perspective. DON'T worry about advance techniques like deepthroating or swallowing his spooge - just having you try is going to be a major thrill for him. But when he gets back, I encourage you to practice, practice, practice on him for a while until you know every millimeter of his gun on an intimate basis and he smiles at you every time he sees you. A soldier in our armed forces who has sacrificed so much for his country deserves no less than that. Good luck!

Dear Laura and Larry,
I'm very conservative in the bedroom, and sometimes things bring up old (bad) memories. I would really like to learn some new positions and spice up the sex with my boyfriend, and I was wondering what movies would be best. --MovieGal

Laura's Response:

Dear MovieGal,
Adult movies are a terrific way to learn some positions, safely explore a fantasy, and spice up the mood! For you, I recommend silly movies, as I did for another reader above. University of Austyn was one of the cutest and funniest adult films I've ever seen, and Space Nuts was also a terrific spoof. You can check the Spoofs category in the Adult DVDs section for more. You might also like some of the featured, big-budget movies that emphasize more romance and plot leading up to the sex, such as Eden. The key here is to watch the movies together, and if anything starts to make you uncomfortable or brings up bad memories, stop the movie, and connect emotionally with your partner until you feel safe. I also recommend you see a therapist (if you aren't already) so that you can begin to process the emotional issues that lead to these bad memories.

Larry's Response:

Dear MovieGal:
Whenever I hear a woman want to "spice things up in the bedroom" they bring up new positions, as if changing the angle of inflection is going to magically make him think you're a sex goddess. While variety in positioning is important - and there are a gazillion books and magazines on the subject, including these fine examples from Adam & Eve - it's only one very small component to your sex life. If you really want to banish the cobwebs from your sexual closet, then start with the big juicy sex organ between your ears. Sex up your brain and your ass will follow.

Bad memories from bad sex early in life? Join the club. Most people's introduction in the erotic arts are disappointing, at best, and horrific at worst. Layer the social and religious stigma around even discussing such things, and you have a recipe for stupefying boring sex later on in adult life. And that's no good for your relationship. If certain things have bad associations for you, then consider a little mental role-playing - pretend you are someone else who doesn't have those associations, and experiment a little. It needn't be ultra-nasty, at first. Try a little light exhibition by “going commando" under a skirt at a formal event, or give him a surprise handjob in the car in a deserted parking deck. Masturbate - a lot. You won't get comfortable with those things associated with bad memories unless you try them out in your head, first, so get yourself a vibrator and Nina Hartley's Guide To Female Masturbation and learn to love yourself the way you want - then put on a show for your boyfriend. Play silly sex games with dice or cards, or give him “seven minutes in heaven" where he gets to do whatever he wants to you (and then have him return the favor). Write him a thoroughly filthy love note and put it someplace where he will find it unexpectedly. And how about a really radical idea? Ask him openly and honestly what he'd like from you in the bedroom. You don't have to immediately jump to it, but it will provide a springboard for further discussion.

Sex is 90% fantasy and 10% friction, so while learning how to ride a cowgirl or enjoy a good doggie-style shagging is a good start, tune up your sexual brain if you want more fire in the bedroom.

Dear Laura and Larry,
When I come, it is whitish yellow. How can I make my cum white? --Bleacher

Laura's Response:

Dear Bleacher,
Is it possible to change the color of your tears or your blood? Semen is a natural bodily fluid, and as such, it will be whatever color it needs to be, based on your body chemistry. There is no need to make it perfectly white, and it would be pointless to do so. Perfectly white cum is no better than any other kind of semen. If you're trying to prevent stains, just invest in a good cleaner and damp cloth!

Larry's Response:

Dear Bleacher:
It's probably no big deal - minor color changes in semen can occur based on diet, exercise and frequency of ejaculation. Unless there's a sudden and dramatic change, or it's accompanied by other symptoms, you likely have little to worry about. Of course if you do have other symptoms, I strongly encourage you to see your family doctor or get a referral to a urologist. I know of no certain way to change it white, of course, although you might try increasing the amount of milk in your diet. Also, if you want to improve the flavor for you partner, consider drinking 8 oz of pineapple juice a day - it makes your ejaculate a lot sweeter and more palatable. Now if they could just figure out some way to make it taste like chocolate, we'd be living in a golden age of peace and harmony.