Believe it or not, your friends at Adam and Eve tend to be a highly competitive bunch. Usually this competition works its way out via the usual means – drinking games and contests, betting on various sport events, and our annual no-holds-barred thumb-wrestling tournament. However, we’re suffering from Olympic deprivation this year so we’ve decided to come up with our own adult-version of the Olympics and outlined a few hypothetical games for your entertainment.

Please keep in mind that these events should only be performed by seasoned professionals and well-meaning amateurs. They should not be attempted in your own office or the annual company picnic unless you’d like to get fired and/or sued. And we only suggest trying them at home if your significant other approves, and the neighbors won’t call the police. (Seriously though, these are all joke events so we can’t be held legally responsible if you’re wacky enough to actually try any of these.)

Pole-Off
Pole dancing has been an integral part of adult entertainment since shortly after the pole itself was invented and some drunk guy throw money at a woman swinging on it. (Shortly thereafter came the 2-drink minimum and no-touching rules, but that’s a lesson for another day.) This event is best served by determining ahead of time how many people are interested in pole-dancing and preparing a pole for each contestant. After that, just pick a song and let the dancers work their moneymakers. The winner is whoever collects the most money from the audience at the end.

Marksmanship
At one or another, you’ve probably heard some variation of “Not in my eyes” or “Not on my dress.” Well, it seems only fitting that our next event sees just how good you are with your squirt gun. We suggest painting a target on a mannequin’s face like you’d see at any target range. The closer you are to the mouth (which would be bull’s eye of course), the higher you score. And you lose paints for hitting the eyes.

Jumping Jacks
The object here isn’t necessarily how many jumping jacks you can do but rather how much jiggle factor you’ve got going on. To prevent bustier women from having an unfair advantage, it seems only fair to split the contestants up by cup sizes and award a prize for each division. Alternatively, if your group of contestants is qualified to film a big butt movie, you can judge the contest instead based on ass shaking and clapping.

Weightlifting
If you know a guy who keeps bragging about his penis, then it’s time for him to put his money where his mouth is. (Wow, that sounds dirty.) This contest is all about weightlifting, just not the traditional kind. Instead, it involves tying small amounts of weight to his penis to see just how much his pride and joy can lift before his love muscle wilts.

Wet T-Shirt
Summertime and wet t-shirts go together like glass and dildos, like ice cubes and hard nipples, like swimming holes and skinny dipping with the farmer’s daughter. While a wet t-shirt contest isn’t very original, it’s a traditional summertime tradition that you simply can’t skip over. We do have one tip before you get started though – ice water have lots and lots of ice water on hand.

Mud Wrestling
During the original Olympic Games, it was custom for the male wrestlers to wrestle nude while dosed with olive oil. Depending on where you live, you’ll probably run into a few problems trying to get your neighbors to follow this tradition. (And that’s assuming in the first place that anyone would want to see them shirtless let alone nude.) So, you’re much safer letting them wrestle around in a mud pit with their bathing suits on.

2009 Olympic King or Queen
At the end of the event, you can now crown the King or Queen based on who earned the highest total score from all the events. And if the score’s tied, you can always make them thumb wrestle to determine a winner. Instead of celebrating with a parade or closing ceremony, we suggest you wash off all that mud and sweat with another traditional summer activity – skinny dipping!