Ask Laura & Larry, January 2009
Dear Laura & Larry,
My husband has become very dependent on adult films to “get him started.” This is fine sometimes, but often leaves me feeling inadequate. Do you have any suggestions for us that might be able to take the place of the films sometimes?--Wants to be Enough
Laura’s Response:
Dear Wants to Be Enough,
Traditionally, men are more visually stimulated than women. A movie to get your husband in the mood can be a harmless way to start things up. Trust me, there is no real competition or comparison here--you always win, because you are the real woman! Ever hear that old saying “It doesn’t matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home”? As far as trying something different to get started, why not role-play a little bit? An easy way to do this is act out a favorite scene from an adult movie, and embrace some naughty characters. Check out our Naughty School Girl Uniform, Naughty Nurse outfit, or even the Wild Cowgirl for some role-playing fantasy fun!
Larry’s Response:
Dear Wants To Be Enough,
This is a common complaint of wives everywhere these days, and the problem isn’t you. It isn’t him, either. There is nothing wrong with either of you – the problem is the very different ideas and attitudes that men and women have about sex. This difference in perspective has caused more marital issues than thermostats, so pay close attention.
For women, sex is about the relationship. Past the initial infatuation stage, women traditionally see sex as an expression of their feelings within the relationship, a validation of the security of their intimate interpersonal relationship. Any distractions from that focus are often considered threats – and porn is right up there. When a woman sees her man enjoying an erotic moment that she’s not responsible for, she feels a loss of control and a sense of competition with these performers that all too often feeds into any latent insecurities she might have. And to see your husband need such images to warm up brings up plenty of adequacy issues, too – such as the idea that you should “be enough woman” for him.
From a male perspective, however, porn is a way to quickly jump-start the libido. As a man ages and his plumbing starts to get worn, the desire for sex remains but the execution can remain elusive. Watching porn, for him, is the equivalent of you dabbing a little extra lube on before happy funtimes, or grabbing a vibrator. Both could easily be construed by an insecure male as a criticism of his sexuality and technique (and sometimes are), but you know very well that those items just help move things along, right?
As far as replacing porn in your pre-sex diet, consider being the porn for a change. Men enjoy the visual stimulation of porn – but he’s probably just as happy if you entice him with an alluring striptease, especially if you allow him to film it for his private use, later. Or grab your favorite toy and put on a little show. The truth is, if you want to keep your man involved with you and not become “dependent” upon porn, then you’re going to have to step up your erotic game a little, take some risks, banish some inhibitions, and assume some of the erotic burden that the porn has been taking off of you. Good luck!
Dear Laura & Larry,
Married for the past ten years, we discovered Adam and Eve few weeks ago and I cannot believe how it changed our lives. What is, in your opinion, the best sex toy for a married couple? --J.N.
Laura’s Response:
Dear J.N.,
Well picking “the” best sex toy for a married couple is a little like picking your favorite kind of chocolate--there are so many fabulous choices that it is a crime to narrow it down to just one! Even so, I do have a favorite kind of toy I like to recommend: a vibrating cock ring. These go on your penis, right at the base, once you have an erection. It can help you stay harder for longer, prolonging the fun. It puts a vibrating sensation right on her clitoris, for that all-important stimulation she needs to achieve orgasm during sex! Plus, with a great one like the Adam & Eve Vibrating Couples Enhancer, the vibrating bullet can come out and you can use it on her separately for even more fun!
Larry’s Response:
Dear J.N.
Like every other aspect of sexuality, a couple’s preference in sex toys is going to be highly dependent upon their lovestyles, likes and dislikes. However, that being said, there are a few standards that every couple should have in their night-table arsenal: First, a small AA battery powered Pocket Rocket – one of the simplest and most reliable vibes, this little buzzer can be grabbed in a moment for clitoral stimulation, is durable, inexpensive, and highly portable (throw it in your pocket on “date night” and get her worked up with it while you’re still in the parking lot!) Next, a rabbit vibrator (EVERY woman needs to at least try one out) and a bullet vibe, which can be used in a variety of ways by the imaginative couple. Lube, of course, is a must – try several until you find the one you like best. But if I had to name just one, I’d go with the Adam & Eve power massager (known to some as the “lightsaber”) used during sex lights up both pelvises for incredible sensation. And every fella should try out a masturbation sleeve – a “pirate’s cove” or “pocket pussy” – and let his woman try it out on him. Toys are excellent additions to most passionate couples’ love lives, but the key is experimentation to find the right toys for your style.
Dear Laura & Larry,
Why do girls shave their pussy hair? –Curious
Laura’s Response:
Dear Curious
Actually, men and women like to shave all their pubic hair off for a variety of reasons. It seems to be a visual trend in adult movies and publications for the past 7 or 8 years. For men, it makes the penis look 2 inches bigger! For women, well, it’s interesting mix of reasons. Some women like the neatly trimmed look, some really prefer to be entirely bald down there. It certainly makes one’s “lady area” very sensitive, and very slippery, which makes for fun new sensations! There’s no more need for flossing after oral sex! Plus, it’s easy to do, and it grows back if you don’t like it once you’ve tried it. Want to give it a go? Grab some Coochie Shave Creme, which is absolutely the best if you’re using a regular razor. For top results a little faster, go with the Body Bare Shaving Kit.
Larry’s Response:
Dear Curious,
Chalk it up to style and sophistication . . . and porn. Thanks to the ubiquitous “Brazil Wax” popularized among both porn starlets and Sex In The City, it’s now pretty standard to skip over the “bikini line touch-up” and shave the monkey completely. And once you go Brazil, legend has it that you don’t want to come back. A bare pussy is more sensitive to tactile sensations than an ungroomed one, of course, but I’d say that the biggest reason is that most girls are self-conscious about their privates, they’re very aware that the porn stars their menfolk whack off to are bare down there, and they want to stay in fashion. Add to that the peer pressure women inflict on each other to adhere to objective beauty standards, the fact that upscale salons now offer the service (which somehow adds some perceived legitimacy to the practice) and the idea that “everyone else is doing it” and you have your answer.
Dear Laura & Larry,
My girlfriend and I have had a great sex life. She had heart surgery about four years ago, and now she says it is hard for her to feel sexy or to play around. Is there any hope for us or should I just give up trying? I am at a loss here, please advise. –Hopeful
Laura’s Response:
Dear Hopeful,
First, confirm with your girlfriend and her doctor what is safe and not safe for her to do. Second, I recommend setting up a sweet, romantic seduction and bring some love and tenderness into your sex life. If she feels safe, loved, and romantic, it will be easier to reconnect with her physically. How about a romantic bubble bath for two with our Bathtub Love Game? Follow this with a massage with A&E Ginger Pheromone Massage Cream. Keep the lines of communication open the entire time--tell what you like about her body, about her personally, and give lots of gentle touching and kissing. You can turn up the heat by getting some Make Me Cum Clit Sensitizer for her. Remember: Her body has changed, rather dramatically, and it may take a while (yes, even years) for her to feel comfortable in her own skin again. By loving her tenderly, you will help with that. Good luck!
Larry’s Response:
Dear Hopeful,
Recovery from surgery or an injury can put a serious strain on any relationship, even when the physical problems are not directly related to the naughty bits. You’re girlfriend is right: it is hard to feel sexy when your body feels like crap. While no doubt you are understanding of her condition, the fact is that YOUR body feels just fine and still has all the throbbing desires it started with.
The only realistic solution that most couples can arrive at is based on communication. And by communication, I don’t just mean you asking for sex and her turning you down. That will eventually lead to you giving up trying, and that will likely doom your relationship. But you need to have a frank talk with your girlfriend about the matter, which is hard – she’s already coping with both the issue of her recovery and feelings of inadequacy arising from her lackluster sexlife and the insecurity that an unhappy partner brings.
It might be difficult for you to mention, as your compassion for her condition may well undermine your determination to aggressively pursue an agreeable solution – no one wants to pick on a sick person, especially about something like sex -- but on the other hand you have an obligation for your own happiness and, ultimately, her happiness with the relationship. Continuously telling yourself that you can put off your carnal needs until “later” will lead to the days slipping into weeks and months and years, and that way lies bitterness. Instead you should insist on discussing the situation completely, and solicit potential solutions.
The most basic is likely going to be the “lube job” approach – wherein she agrees to put out, or at least give you a handjob or similar relief for maintenance purposes a couple of times a week, even if she’s not into it. This will take some of the pressure off, make her feel like she’s contributing to your happiness, and restore a little balance in the relationship. It also allows you time and space to prepare a more lengthy, more involved romantic encounter that can help fulfill her needs for emotional fulfillment in your sex life. Good luck!