As part of the daily mission to do as little real work as humanly possible, your friends at Adam and Eve routinely scour the net for any sex-related news or topics. One of the articles that came up (pun not intended) the other week was a report from ABC News about Australian scientists finding the oldest penis-like structure. The fossilized phallus is over 400 million years old and was discovered on an ancient fish. Surprisingly enough, the early penis is made entirely of bone, giving whole new meaning to the term boner.

After making a few other jokes about fossilized boners, we were inspired to create a light-hearted timeline showing the various roles the penis has had through history and how it has come to shape events. Next month, we'll cover the history of the vagina, all in the interest of equality of course.

About 250,000 years ago - Ancestors of modern humans begin originating in Africa. Shortly thereafter, men begin thinking with their penises.

About 60,000 years ago - Homo Sapiens begin developing a rudimentary language. Shortly thereafter, a woman accuses a man of thinking with his penis. Other women catch on, and the trend continues to the present day.

2600 BC - Ancient Egyptians begin construction of the Pyramids at Giza. Among the hieroglyphics on the pyramids are several depicting a god called Geb, known as the Sky Father. Geb is frequently shown with a large penis pointing up at the sky. The term "Morning Wood" is invited.

1,200 BC - In one of the worst cases of thinking with his penis ever recorded, Trojan Prince Paris takes Helen, queen of a small Greek kingdom, home to Troy. Instead of settling for a divorce, Helen's husband King Menelaus launches the proverbial thousand ships to get his wife back. After a 10-year siege, Paris is dead, Troy is burned to the ground and Helen has earned a place in the history books as the first MILF in history.

750 BC - Rome is founded. Roman citizens begin placing statues of the god Priapus in their garden. Priapus, a god of fertility, is depicted as having an enormous, bright red penis. Farmers use Priapus as a scarecrow to frighten away animals from their crops. In the city, however, Priapus is used to ward off burglars, threatening to bend over and ravage anyone caught stealing. Given his 14-inch wooden shaft, it was a surprisingly effective threat.

41 BC - In yet another case of a man thinking with his penis, Roman leader Mark Anthony falls in love with Cleopatra, rejecting his wife and destroying a tenuous political alliance in the process. This leads to a civil war throughout the Roman Empire that ends with Mark Anthony's death and Cleopatra committing suicide after commenting that Mark should have spent more time studying strategy and less time thinking with his penis.

1450 - The printing press is developed in Europe, leading to the spread of literacy and a revolution in intellectual and cultural thinking. Shortly thereafter, Gutenberg goes from printing Bibles to posters extolling a pill that will give men the strength of "young work horse pulling a strong plow while doing his marital duty."

1501 - Renowned sculptor Michelangelo begins work on what will become his best-known piece - The Statue of David. Art critics worldwide laud David as a classic example of Renaissance art, as a masterful depiction of male strength and beauty. The rest of the world best knows David as the statue of that guy with his junk hanging out.

1520 - Impatient with a tedious divorce process, it's well known that King Henry VIII elected to speed up the process by beheading a few of his numerous wives after they failed to produce a male heir. The dozens of penis enlargement salesmen Henry also had beheaded are all but forgotten by history.

1700 - Increasing numbers of Europeans flock to the Americas, looking to escape the pressures of their old life in Europe and make their fortune by selling penis creams and pills to Native American tribes.

1799 - After being laughed out of a public bath for his small penis, a young Napoleon Bonaparte vows revenge. He compensates by conquering most of Europe until losing to Wellington at Waterloo. Napoleon lives out the reminder of his life in exile on Saint Helena, experimenting with various herbs to find a successful penis enlargement pill.

1860 - The development of the Pony Express and spread of the U.S. Post Office allows even the most remote farmer to receive postcards extolling the virtues of Dr. Sherman's Marital Aid Cream - Guaranteed to Put the Kick Back in Your Mule and a Spring in your Plow.

1895 - Sigmund Freud's theories regarding the human psyche revolutionize the field of psychology by blaming everything on sex, which says interesting things about his own psyche. Freud also coins the term "penis envy," referring to women who wish they had a penis. Historians continue to debate whether the phrase applied to Freud himself.

1908 - German Kaiser Wilhelm discovers his English cousin King George IV has a larger penis than he does. Wilhelm launches a multi-million dollar naval building campaign to compensate. When that doesn't work, Wilhelm invades Europe a few years later.

1939 - In an amazing twist of fate, several European dictators and political figures discover they all have small penises within several weeks of each other. They compensate by invading most of Europe to start World War II and then the Cold War.

1957 - With the rise of the auto following World War II, men with short penises begin to compensate by buying expensive sport cars instead of invading Europe. Europe and Detroit are both extremely happy by this turn of events.

1969 - Unable to whip them out and see who's bigger, the United States and Soviet Union compensate to see which country can reach the moon faster. The United States launches several lunar missions to beat the Soviets, giving America a metaphorical penis that measures 230,000 miles long.

1978 - The growing popularity of the VCR creates a new market for adult movies, putting the penis in a brand new spotlight.

1993 - Lorena Bobbitt cuts off her husband John's penis with a knife, coining the term "bobbitted" in the process. Lorena was eventually declared innocent due to temporary insanity by a jury, while John went on to star in an adult movie - John Wayne Bobbit Uncut. To this day, nothing makes a man protect his equipment faster than a woman threatening to "bobbitt" him.

1998 - Viagra is invented. Causing thousands of older men to rush out to the doctor's offices and party in the streets.

1998 - Proving once again that men think with their penis, Bill Clinton is impeached by the U.S. House for allegedly lying under oath about having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, who was a White House intern at the time. Bill is later found innocent by the Senate on all charges, but turns interns, stained dresses and cigars into a stand-up comedy staple.

2000 - The growing popularity of email and anonymity provided by the Internet lead to millions of spam emails promoting "BiG6er and L0ng3R Dixk Zen EvR B4"

The Near Future - Dominated by older men, the U.S. Congress turns the anniversary of Viagra into a national holiday.