(continued)

Savvy Sex Questions with Dr. Jenni:

Dear Dr. Jenni,

I am deeply distressed! My husband is emotionally illiterate, mechanical and robotic in bed, and absent with parenting our kids. The only reason I think I stay is because we have kids together, and he makes a lot of money for our family. I'm tempted to leave him because it's almost intolerable at times. I do have a good vibrator to compensate for his utter lack of bedroom abilities, and I keep myself busy with the kids and my friends, but I'm not sure if I am doing myself more harm by staying in this unsatisfying marriage?

--Distressed and Depressed

Dear DD,

I really hear your pain and distress, and, relationships are a team sport. Usually if we have a boatload of complaints about one person, they have just as many about us. So, let's switch gears to see if we can find a new path forward and become allies on the same team. Firstly, could you focus less on his deficiencies and try to notice the places where you have gratitude for him? For instance, do you thank him for financially supporting the family? Find the windows where and when you appreciate him, and let him know. Positive reinforcement goes a long way in creating new behaviors.

Secondly, can you step up your game by assuming full personal responsibility for all that is yours? While at first, this might sound difficult or frustrating, it ends up helping you more than you might think. If you take responsibility for something that is happening, you have the power to change it rather than feeling trapped by it. Emotionally, this means being radically honest for how you feel and changes you need. Own your words though, with "I" statements. 'Truth with compassion' goes way further than a 'truth bomb'. For example, "Honey, I'm feeling really frustrated, and even feeling my resentment building taking care of the kids all by myself. I really need your support and want to be on the same team. It's lonely doing it by myself and I realize I miss your help, and I miss you. Can we brainstorm how to work as a team on this?" Don't forget to take full responsibility sexually. If he is a bore in the bedroom, can you include your handy vibrator next time you are erotic together, and show him how to use it on you? Maybe you can even invite him to sex next time, and let him be the recipient of a long and luscious experience of arousal building so that he learns how you would like to be tended to.

Also, it is important to remember that men and women connect in very different ways. Your husband might not sit on the couch and share his deepest fears with you. However, he probably has a vision of what he wants for your shared future together, or has some goals he is working on that give you insight into his emotional world. Meeting each other in the middle allows both people in a couple to relate to each other as much as possible.

Whether emotionally, sexually, or just logistically with kids, gratitude plus personal responsibility equals a Happy Team. Be grateful, be honest -- with compassion, and take personal responsibility for the changes you have the ability to make.

--Dr. Jenni

Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST
The Intimacy Institute
Sex and Relationship Therapy
www.TheIntimacyInstitute.org
(720) 331-3354

Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST is an AASECT certified sex therapist, sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist. Dr. Jenni originally pursued a career in sex therapy so to advance her mission for giving all people permission for pleasure by promoting sexual health and healing.

Dr. Jenni lives in Boulder, Colorado where she founded The Intimacy Institute for Sex & Relationship Therapy. She co-directs the clinic with her husband Daniel, also a sex therapist. Before moving to Boulder, Dr. Jenni served as a sexual health scholar at the Center of Excellence for Sexual Health (CESH) under the leadership of 16th U.S. Surgeon General.

When not working, you can find Dr. Jenni spending time with husband, their two young sons, and their backyard chickens. Dr. Jenni is passionate about all the World Health Organization (WHO) pillars of health, and therefore maintains a strong self-care practice that includes Crossfit, swimming, and slow walks in nature.

Clitquake

Remember the last big earthquake? Well I was there! By now everyone's heard at least a few personal accounts from people who survived the quake. But, I'm pretty sure that my experience won't be included in any official collection, even though it was very memorable… ?

At 5:00 P.M., I'm usually in my bedroom, beginning my shift on cam -- it's when a lot of people get off work, so that's when my traffic starts picking up. On that particular day, however, I happened to have a 4:00pm hair appointment, so I was already planning on a late start. My stylist, Leonard, had worked in salons all over the city until he'd built up such a stable of fans that he'd been able to open a private salon in his home. Through a friend of a friend, I'd managed to snag an elusive appointment -- and now I can't bear the thought of anyone else touching my hair.

Leonard is a very handsome, graceful man, built of lean muscle like a swimmer or a gymnast. On my first appointment two years ago, I walked into his house and began telling him in great detail exactly what I wanted done with my long blonde hair.

Flustered, I nervously entrusted my tresses to Leonard, and it turned out to be the most unusual haircut I'd ever had. For most of the procedure, Leonard had me stand up with my head bent forward as he snipped away at it upside down. Then he had me repeatedly toss my hair over my shoulder, would frown at me, order me to bend over again, and repeat the whole process. While he worked, he quizzed me on products I'd used--shampoos and conditioners I'd thought were fine were apparently not. I felt attacked and was beginning to get a crick in my neck when he asked me to close my eyes, made a few last adjustments, and revealed to me the most fantastic haircut I'd ever received in my entire life.

I thought he was a mad man, but I couldn't argue with his results. Although very little had been snipped off, my hair looked like it never had before, gracefully dipping over one eye a la Marilyn Monroe. I felt glamorous.

Over the next two years my hair, nurtured by Leonard 's expert style, became my crowning glory. Not only that, but I looked forward to our sessions, during which he'd always find a new angle or odd demand to surprise me with. After the cut, we'd chat about books, movies, philosophy. At first I took it for granted that Leonard was gay. This was, after all, San Francisco, and he was a stylish man with his own hair salon. But as we got to know each other I learned of a string of ex-girlfriends: some competitors, some clients, and even a few whose hair he'd never touched.

"But don't worry. I've given up sex."

"You're kidding," I told him.

"Too complicated," he said, his laser focus returning to my hair.

I loved the way his touch could get me all riled up, and just as easily calm me down. But I had no idea how to move from haircutting to lovemaking with this sophisticated man who'd declared himself celibate.

Then came that late fall day, that fateful day of disaster. Leonard had just finished cutting my hair, and we sat facing each other in plush armchairs in his living room. We were discussing a book I'd loaned him when suddenly his face turned pale and he called my name. The next moment, there was a great roar that sounded like ten subways tearing through the house, and the entire room began shaking. Leonard's cat yowled and scrambled under the sofa. Bottles of hairdressing potions crashed to the floor. I screamed and threw myself into Leonard's arms, both of us completely forgetting all those warnings to stand in doorways or hide under tables. I clung to him in terror, watching the walls rock from side to side.

"It's stopping," Leonard said, "look, it's going to stop!"

But it didn't. Later we found out that the quake had only lasted 15 seconds, but it felt more like 15 minutes. When it did finally stop, Leonard pulled me to my feet and out the door.

On the street, people were roaming around in a daze. All the traffic lights were out. One man waved his cell phone in the air as if to flag down more signal.

In the meantime, we made do, as people will in such circumstances. We hung out on the street for a bit, talking to people, then went back upstairs and made a few calls to check up on friends. We heard that driving through the city was a nightmare, so Leonard invited me to stay over. Gratefully, I accepted; I was far too shaky to go home to an empty apartment.

We opened up a bottle of wine and cleaned up the mess by flashlight, all the while wary of aftershocks. We were both terribly frightened, though Leonard kept up a brave front and tried to reassure me. Around 2am, he made up the bed in the guest room and bade me goodnight. I lay down but found myself jumping at every little sound. I wanted to go ask Leonard if I could sleep with him, but was afraid he'd take it the wrong way. Sure, I wanted him, but tonight a platonic cuddle would be more than fine. I lay there obsessing about it. After all, this was a disaster, right? The usual rules didn't apply.

I'd just worked up the courage to go to him when he appeared in the doorway, looking ghostly in the flickering flame of the candle he held.

"Marlayna," he said shyly. "Would you sleep with me?"

I giggled nervously, bounded out of bed and followed him to his bedroom. We lay down next to each other, not touching, whispering in the dark about how scared we were. When I told him how glad I was that I'd had him to hang on to during the quake, he turned towards me and took me in his arms. "I hope I still remember how to do this," he said.

"Do what?" I asked, luxuriating in the warmth of his body.

I stroked his head and moved my hands down over his muscled arms. His body felt vibrant and alive, and mine responded to him with a rush of energy. I felt so grateful to be alive, and wanted to affirm it with the most life-affirming act known to man or woman.

Leonard removed my T-shirt and panties, then peeled off his own clothes. His erection throbbed against my thigh, long and full and aching to enter me. I took it in my hand and rubbed it all over my clit and pussy lips, wetting the head with my juices. Leonard continued to nibble on my tits while I guided his cock inside me. Slowly his prick sand into my welcoming cunt, filling it all the way, and we lay very still, making this first moment last.

"It's been too long," he confessed. "Too, too long."

I ran my hands down his back and over his ass. Gently, I parted his cheeks and rubbed a finger around his asshole, pressing with little circular motions. He moaned and sank deeper into me, his cock filling me, reaching deeply up inside me, a throbbing rod that radiated life and joy and pleasure. Waves of ecstasy travelled up and down my belly and limbs. I had never felt so wonderfully alive.

"Oh, God," I cried, my legs and arms gripping him like a vise. The earth's vibrations coursed through our bodies. We hung onto each other for dear life, as close as any humans could conceivably get. I don't know if it was terror, lust, or both that wracked our bodies, but as we hung onto each other, my clit twitched and my vaginal muscles clenched around him. Leonard's dick shook and throbbed and shot a hefty load of come into my wildly shaking pussy.

The room stopped moving. Leonard's dick wilted and slid out of me. We stared at one another in wonder. Finally, I managed to speak.

"Wow. I guess the earth moved," I said.

It's been over a year now since that quake. We've had over a thousand tremors since then, but none to equal that first big one, and certainly none as thrilling as the aftershock I shared with Leonard. We have, however, seen each other frequently, and had several glorious, if not so earth-shaking, fucks. The city has rebuilt itself, and slowly Leonard and I are building a relationship.

Adam & Eve Launches Official Podcast

Adam & Eve, America's most trusted source for adult products, is expanding its brand with the launch of its first official podcast.

The weekly podcast, hosted by five longtime Adam & Eve employees (Joe, Neal, Karen, Lucas and Katy), will be available on iTunes as well as iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Play Music and more.

"We really wanted to throw back the curtain on what it's like to live in small town America and work at the nation's largest adult toy retail operation," explains Joe. "So many people have preconceived ideas of what we do and who we are… we thought it would be fun and interesting to share our experiences and ideas about both Adam & Eve and the industry."

"The podcast is all about the side of the adult industry no one ever gets to see -- we are just five normal people working for a decidedly NOT normal company," says Neal. "We share what it's like to date 'civilians' and what we see behind the scenes. Our plan is to have some employees from our Call Center, other departments and guests from all walks of life come on to tell about their experiences, too."

The inaugural podcast episode debuts on iTunes, with each host introducing him or herself and providing some background information as well as topics for future shows. Each show includes some discussion related to sex, interesting news stories, toy and product discussion and either a quiz or a reading. Upcoming podcast themes include sex in the movies, sex myths and sex fantasies.

Listen on: