MILF vs. Cougar

We’ve started getting a lot of questions recently asking about the difference between a MILF and a Cougar. After an energetic debate around the office that ended with a fight in the parking lot during lunch, we took the question to an expert with the U.S. Zoological Service, Dr. Mast R. Bater. Here is Dr. Bater’s answer:

MILFs and Cougars are closely related, there’s no question about that. The two belong to the family anililicus bonabilius, more commonly known as boneable older women. Both MILFs and Cougars are older women who share a similar taste for younger men.

But recent research and first-hand observation has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that MILFs and Cougars are two completely separate species. And several of our researchers have learned first-hand that each requires a distinct approach in the wild. What will work on a Cougar will drive a MILF to attack you with a slap in the face or a thrown drink. And what works on a MILF will leave a Cougar laughing in your face. Thankfully, there are two easy clues to help you know if you’re dealing with a MILF or a Cougar.

The first major difference is in their choice of habitat. Cougars tend to be found in loud, flashy places. It’s very common to see them in a crowded bars and nightclubs, especially with low lighting to aid in their camouflage. MILFs tend to stick to more low-key settings, such as PTA meetings, grocery stores and soccer games. They migrate daily between their home, a school, after school activities, and fast-food places.

The other major difference is in their behavior. The mating rituals of Cougars are aggressive, so aggressive that they’ve actually been known to scare off less confident males. Cougars wear bold, vibrant colors to stand out from the crowd to help attract a mate. They move confidently and aggressively, stalking their prey before pouncing on him with an offer to buy a drink. MILFs tend to be much more demure in public and are much more likely to blend into a crowd, particularly at school sporting events and school plays, unless they are rooting for their child or pulling out pictures to show off to others. Whenever MILFs leave their nest, they frequently check in with someone called a babysitter. Current theories hold that MILFs have a symbiotic relationship with this babysitter, but researchers are still trying to determine what would motivate this sitter to watch over a MILF’s offspring.

Now that you’ve determined whether you’re dealing with a MILF or a Cougar, the hard part’s out of the way. It’s relatively easy to approach a MILF, just let her know that you love kids and pretend to enjoy looking at the pictures she has. When it comes to Cougars, it’s best to let them make the initial approach. All you have to do is ask a Cougar to teach you, and you’re in for a wild night!