Ask Laura & Larry, May 2009

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, in the beginning we had sex at least two to three times a week and now it is every two or three months. He said it is not me, but I feel like he does not find me attractive anymore. He is going to be 38 soon and I am in my early 30s. Is there anything I can do to spice things up? --Lacking Sex

Laura's Response:

Dear Lacking,
A mismatch of desire is probably the most common problem in any couple's sex life. Trust your boyfriend when he says it is not you, because it really isn't you! The first thing you should do is communicate with him about how important the sexual aspect of your relationship is. Let him know that you want to spice things up and maintain that aspect of your connection. There are many things you can try after that. Make regular "dates"; and watch a hot adult movie, act out your favorite fantasy, or have some romantic time in the tub together. Good luck!

Larry's Response:

Dear Lacking:
Of course there is – but it takes two to tango. Your worries that he doesn’t find you attractive anymore are perfectly natural and understandable, but your boyfriend is probably right: it’s not you – singular. It’s you, plural. After almost two years you have probably lapsed into a “comfort zone” of quarterly sex, which unfortunately happens to a lot of couples. And it’s not a trivial matter. This is actually a make-or-break point to determine how well the relationship might survive in the future, so pay close attention. There’s no magic bullet (unless you resign yourself to a vibrator for the duration of the relationship). You’re going to have to put in some work to shatter that comfort zone.

First you must make it clear to your BF that you want it more (which I believe you already have done). Then you must start to slowly and carefully pull the relationship out of the comfort zone and back into something a little more passionate and less secure. How? Well, since you’re worried about your own attractiveness, start there. Treat yourself to a spa day, including a radical (or at least noticeable) change in your hair style or color. Always wanted to go blonde? Ever considered yourself as a redhead? Try it out, preferably with the help of a trained professional (pink hair is rarely sex-positive). Spring for some new clothes (even if its consignment or thrift store) and start paying closer attention to your make up and hair.

First you must make it clear to your BF that you want it more (which I believe you already have done). Then you must start to slowly and carefully pull the relationship out of the comfort zone and back into something a little more passionate and less secure. How? Well, since you’re worried about your own attractiveness, start there. Treat yourself to a spa day, including a radical (or at least noticeable) change in your hair style or color. Always wanted to go blonde? Ever considered yourself as a redhead? Try it out, preferably with the help of a trained professional (pink hair is rarely sex-positive). Spring for some new clothes (even if its consignment or thrift store) and start paying closer attention to your make up and hair.

Then hit the gym – without trying to coerce him into going, at first. It doesn’t matter if you’re already svelte and can eat cheesecake all day and never gain an ounce – the attention you pay your body is contagious, and the best way to call attention to a couple of weeks spent on the Stairmaster is to pointedly not call attention to it, verbally. If he doesn’t seem to notice, don’t worry about it. To men, actions speak louder than words, and your constant attendance at the gym will be noticed, if not openly noted. A couple of weeks of this, and even the dimmest male will start paying attention.

That’s when you start with the subtle pressure: when he asks half-jokingly why you’re working out all the time instead of blobbing with him on the couch in front of the TV, casually mention that you are a young, healthy woman who takes pride in her body – and watching all the cute guys flexing and sweating doesn’t hurt your libido, either. When he asks why you’re spending all that time on make-up when it’s just the two of you going out to grab a burger, respond by saying that you never know who you’re going to run into, and even if he’s not interested you like to sometimes see who else might be. When he stares blankly at your new hair color/style and wonders aloud what happened to the nice safe chick he moved in with, give him a tigerish grin and say that you felt like a change . . . and the hair is a start.

Can you see where I’m going with this? Get his attention, show that you’re still interested, and hint that if he doesn’t share that interest, someone else might come along and share it instead of him. That’s the only way to ease him out of the comfort zone and back into passionate ugly-bumping mode. You have to invoke those initial feelings of romantic/sexual excitement that got you together in the first place, but with the additional benefit of being in a stable enough relationship to allow your mutual passionate feelings to grow – and the unspoken but implicit threat that he’d better start giving you what you want or someone else will.

Couple this with attempting to initiate sex more yourself, and he’ll either a) get the hint, get with the program, and give you what you need b) get jealous enough to rouse his latent passions and open general discussion on the matter (make up sex is totally hot, BTW) or c) curl into a ball of self-pity that doubts his own manhood. Regardless of which direction he takes, confronting him with your needs – and sticking up for your right to be satisfied in the relationship – puts him into a position where he has to put out or get out. And if it’s the latter outcome, well, better you figure that out now than in a decade, after your prime dating years. Good luck!

Dear Laura and Larry,
I really love to suck and lick my wife's clit, but she says it is very sensitive and does not feel good. Is there any way I can do these things to her clit and make it feel good? I love to eat her pussy and get her off, but this sensitivity has been an issue after she had our son. Before, when she was pregnant, she wanted and begged me to eat her out. I really hope you can help me with this problem, because I miss sucking her clit and getting it as hard as my cock. --Lickety Slit

Laura's Response:

Dear Lickety,
Her clit may get hard, but it is not the same as your cock! To begin with, the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis. A little stimulation goes a long way, and it's quite easy to overstimulate it to the point of pain. Pregnancy and childbirth can wreak some notable changes to a woman's body, and she is probably still adjusting to all of them. So my advice to you is to go very slow and be very gentle. Tease the clit, don't just attack it. Very gently stimulate it from all around--don't lean on it like you're ringing a doorbell. In fact, begin by teasing her all around without actually touching it. Keep your tongue soft and relaxed. If using your fingers, get some lube
it can really irritate the clit to be stimulated when it's dry, so lube up! Let her guide you in what feels good. Sucking the clit may well be too much stimulation for her. Lots and lots of foreplay and teasing may be needed before she's ready for more direct thrills on her hot button. Take your time, and be willing to explore!

Larry's Response:

Dear Lickety:
It's an unfortunate reality, but pregnancy changes a woman's body irrevocably - sometimes for the better, oftentimes not. Hyper-sensitivity of the clitoris is actually one of the better side-effects of the post-partum physiological lottery, so first I'd recommend you count your blessings that the Incontinence Fairy didn't visit your wife instead. Or worse.

To help get around the ticklish clit issue, I'd recommend acquiring and trying out a dental dam. Basically it's a sheet of rubber or plastic through which one may tongue a clit without fear of potential STD contagion. I'm not casting aspersions on your wife's virtue, of course, but one of the common complaints about dental dams is that they decrease the intensity of the licking experience - which is precisely what you want to do, here. By employing a dental dam you do make a trade-off: less sensitivity for her, less fun in lickety-land for you. But it might also be the best compromise for the moment.

I say "for the moment" because a woman's body continues to change after pregnancy, whether she has more kids or not, and the possibility of her overcoming (no pun intended - wait, who am I kidding?) the problem of a hypersensitive clit later in life is strong.

Now I would also counsel you to consider that this might just be an excuse. Without accusing her, think carefully about her reactions when you suggest "going downtown for lunch". Many new mothers have self-image issues with their vaginas after the trauma of birth, feeling as if their coochies couldn't possibly be attractive after going through all of that. And the truth is that pussies change after birth - but that has obviously not lessened your regard for it, or your desires to be orally intimate. But keep this in mind as you negotiate this delicate minefield of post-partum psychology, and try to talk to your wife as much as you can - it's quite possible that her hyper-sensitivity isn't really in her clit, but in her subconscious. Good luck!


Dear Laura and Larry,
My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years and have a 17-month-old son together. We used to have sex all the time and try new things (toys, positions, etc.), but now we don't do anything anymore. She is never in the mood. What do I do? I want things back to the way things used to be. --Desperate

Laura's Response:

Dear Desperate,
Take some clues from the previous two questions. Your fiancee's body has been through massive changes that she is probably still getting used to, and you may need to find all new ways to get her warmed up. You will also need to take the time to communicate with her about the importance of your sexual connection, and both of you should make it a priority. Next, realize that taking care of a child is purely exhausting--even with help. Believe it or not, helping out around the house (preferably without complaining about it!) can be an unexpected hot button for a new mom (as a friend of mine said, "Do my dishes, and I'll be your whore!"). Take the time to compliment her a lot, and help her feel loved and beautiful; bring the romance back! As far as products go, I highly recommend a great lotion for her called Nympho's Desire. Have her rub a tiny bit on and around her clit, and she will get horny in a hurry! And how about buying her some really sexy lingerie so she feels sensual and beautiful?

Larry's Response:

Dear Desperate:
Welcome to adult life. No, seriously. Once you have a kid, your sex-life and your relationship changes, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Things will never be the way they used to be - sleeping in late, spending a rainy Saturday in bed screwing all day, knocking out a quickie in the parking lot after a show. Now you aren't just boyfriend-girlfriend, you're Mommy and Daddy, slaves to a demanding and unreasonable master - get used to it.

That being said, you don't have to write off your sex life entirely - indeed, how you respond to this present crisis will have a role to play in the development of your sexual relationship for the rest of your life. So don't screw this up. While you'll never return to pre-baby levels of sex, you can push to ensure that you get what you need as regularly as possible, if you're willing to put in the work. You have two main obstacles that must be overcome: the baby and your fiancé.

The baby is actually the easier of the two. The main complaint that new mommies have about trying to fit in sex and motherhood is not having enough time. Since it's hard to get your groove on with Junior screaming for his bottle in the next room, insist on a real "date night" every two weeks, complete with babysitter (a non-threatening geriatric one - save the teens for your midlife crisis) dinner, drinks, a movie, and soft romantic mushy stuff. Allow only one phone call to the babysitter per date, at her discretion, and insist that you talk about the baby for no more than 15 minutes the entire evening. Then it's back to boyfriend-girlfriend time. It's vital that you remind your fiancé that she still is attractive to you and she's still a woman, even if her body is set to "Mom" all the time.

Date Night serves that purpose. Even if it doesn't culminate in nookie immediately, don't loose hope: you're establishing patterns and building a foundation, here. Of course you want to gently push for the nookie, because when she's in a more relaxed state your chances go up dramatically. But if she's still not in the mood, withdraw in a dignified manner and retreat to the Man Cave. After a couple of dates you should be able to lapse into a pattern of post-date sex that sticks.

But as much as you'll come to look forward to Date Night, rationing the nookie to once a fortnight isn't good for either of you. You need to be able to have sex on school nights, too. In addition to those "special" evenings, make a point of initiating sex a couple of times during the week - yes, with the kid in the house. This is going to be the hardest part to explain to your fiancé, but it's also pretty vital. Most women have strong blocks against being naughty while they're on the clock as a Mom. But if you don't overcome this obstacle, then you can resign yourself to getting laid Christmas and Birthdays and maybe on vacation.

First you have to discuss it with her in a way that doesn't get you compared unfairly to a Neanderthal. That means translating your "Me Want Pussy!" thoughts into something more palatable to the feminine psyche. I suggest that you calmly and passionately explain to your fiancé that the lack of regular sex in your life is affecting how you view fatherhood and the baby, fueling a lingering resentment - no woman wants to hear that. Be certain to add that you still find her very attractive, even more so now that she's displayed her maternal side (lying is okay in this instance - like I needed to tell you . . .) and that this in no way a threat to the sanctity of the relationship. You aren't asking permission to hit on your secretary, you're letting her know that you are frustrated with something in the relationship and you are maturely discussing it with her instead of resorting to such childish and dangerous games. When she points out that she's been putting out on date nights, remind her gently that as much fun as it is, your needs are more regular than that.

This is the point where she explodes into a rage about how overworked and stressed she is - make sure you let her do this. Take it stoically, every last bitter complaint about diapers, feeding, laundry, your mother, everything. Let her get it all out. When she winds down (there might be tears involved) calmly agree that she's over-stressed, and that perhaps you could pitch in more. Do some laundry, get the kid dressed, take over changing duties, whatever - you're more than happy to help out if it means she's willing to help you out. Keep up your end of the bargain, and then start enacting strategies to allow the magic to happen with the kid in the house.

First, the easy stuff. Put a lock on your bedroom door, for starters. Getting walked in on while she's making the orgasm-face is a primal terror for most mommies. Then focus attention on the bedroom, itself. Banish all laundry and toys from the bedroom - that's your parental sanctuary, not a laundry room or playpen. Remove the TV from your bedroom - it's only a distraction, and she's unlikely to want to watch porn with you, so chuck it. Find some sort of subtly sexy artwork that can remind you that you're both lovers as well as parents. Make sure her bathroom - where she feels most secure in her womanhood - is clean, pleasant, and feminine. Make sure you have a stereo or CD player handy to provide some nominal noise to cover gasps and groans of pleasure. If your bedroom resembles a love nest more than a daycare, she's far more likely to be reminded of her own primal urges, not her long Mommy list.

Now that the stage is set, you must act on the opportunities for play. Lots of non-sexual physical affection is a good place to start, just to keep her warmed up and reminded that there is such a thing as sex after Prime Time. Then start luring her into exploitable situations. Nap time was made for the parental quickie. Schedule permitting, a quick handjob or other shenanigans in the shower in the morning can take the edge off. If you have to, tie Junior up in his car seat in the living room in front of some kid-friendly TV while you and Mommy "take a nap", one ear out for trouble. Is she's still skittish, put Junior down with some sedentary activity, turn on the baby monitor, and lure your fiancé out to the garage to do it in the car. You'll still hear the kid if there's an issue, but you have a semi-private place to let your hormones run rampant.

It won't be easy - she's still primed to drop her libido the moment he whines - but if you want to get it regular, this is your best shot. The good news is that after the newness wears off of the Mommy thing, she'll be a lot more likely to cooperate with your evil plans - and that happens usually right around the kid's second birthday. Of course, that can lead to more kids, so use this knowledge with caution. Good luck!