Ask Laura & Larry, June 2009

Several news channels, when covering the April 15 tax protests, made references to "teabagging" and its alternate meaning. I gathered that the term has something to do with oral sex, but that's the extent of my information. Can you enlighten me? Thanks! --Interested

Laura's Response:

Dear Interested,
Teabagging is the practice of sucking on the testicles and scrotum. It got its name because the movement involved sometimes looks like the action of dunking a tea bag in hot water--when the man is dipping his parts into his partner's mouth. This can be lots of fun during oral sex, especially if there's some hand action on the penis, too. A tip: Take care of the hair down there--it can get a bit gnarly on the sack (try some Coochy shave cream). Make it all tasty with some flavored goodness, too, like the ID Juicy Lubes. Enjoy!

Larry's Response:

Dear Interested:
What were the conservative protesters against . . .taxes? Bailouts? Socialism? I never was sure just what they were protesting -; but when they chose the theme of the Boston Tea Party and, by extension, teabags, they unknowingly unleashed a firestorm of giggles from sex enthusiasts around the country. "Teabagging" is a slang term for a sexual position, specifically when a male takes position astride a reclining lover's head and lowers his testicles into his/her mouth. Long a favorite of the gay community, the position allows for unrestricted oral access of the entire ano-genitalia region. The position suggests dominance and kinkiness, and that's unlikely what the patriotic tax (bailout? Socialism? Whatever?) protesters intended when they picked the term. Of course the liberal side of the media wasted no time in lampooning the term and the movement in an avalanche of late-night monologue jokes and comedy sketches. One would think with all of the clandestine gay sex going on in some corners of the conservative movement, someone would have gotten the memo . . .


Dear Laura and Larry,
I'm sure you hear this one all the time, but how do I have an orgasm with my G spot? --G Whiz

Laura's Response:

Dear G Whiz,
The G-spot orgasm differs from a purely clitoral orgasm. The main thing to keep in mind: the G-spot is not an internal clitoris! To begin with, you should start with plenty of foreplay and lots of external clitoral stimulation (a great way to start, if you're by yourself, is to use a Fukuoku. As you get turned on, begin to insert fingers (yours, or your partners), and start to stroke them forward and down. If you are doing yourself, you'll be trying to touch your belly button from the inside; if your partner is doing it, he will be crooking his fingers as if to say, "come hither." Stroke forward and then down. The G-spot is not hiding way uparound the cervix--it's only about an inch and a half inside, and it's part of the front wall of the vagina. It swells up when you're turned on, and starts to respond to friction. Some women say that G-spot stimulation feels like they are stroking their clitoris from inside! Now, the clitoris likes indirect touching and teasing and stimulation, whereas the G-spot tends to respond more to steady rubbing pressure. A really great vibe to try is the G-Gasm Delight. When you start to stimulate the G-spot, you may feel momentarily like you have to pee. Don't worry--that's the spongy tissue swelling up, which is actually blocking off your urethra. As your orgasm nears (with plenty of clitoral play!), you may feel like you want to "bear down" or squeeze your vaginal muscles. Feel free--this can feel very good! G-spot orgasms feel more like whole-body orgasms, possibly with more muscle contractions. Some women even "squirt" and ejaculate a clear fluid (that is not urine). Need more help? Check out our Tickle Her G-Spot Kit and the Nina Hartley Guide to G-Spot Sex for more tips!

Larry's Response:

Dear G Whiz,
First, I'm going to assume that you're female, otherwise this discussion is going to get real weird, real fast. With that assumption safely made, let me be the first to say that every woman's body is different, and that the ability to enjoy the infamous "G-Spot Orgasm" varies from woman to woman because of history, mood, and physiology. Some women never feel their G-spots, much less learn how to pleasure them. Others are completely aware of their internal hot-spot and hit the high notes every time. (There's even surgery to temporarily augment the placement of the G-spot in the vaginal cavity . . . what an age we live in!) While technically not as sensitive as the clitoris in most women, the friction provided by a rapidly thrusting penis at just the right angle can sometimes provide the stimulation needed to have a G-spot orgasm . . . but if the penis in question is the wrong size, the wrong shape, or is approaching from the wrong angle, it's going to be hit-or-miss. A better bet is to invest in one of the many G-Spot vibrators on the market. These handy dandy tools of pleasure are designed to put the full force of the vibration at the right angle inside the vagina to rest precisely against even the most reluctant G-spot, providing the stimulation necessary for you to experience "The Big One". Practice makes perfect, so mess around with it until you find just the right speed/setting/angle, but if you want the G-Spot orgasm, that's the way to do it.

Dear Laura and Larry,
My husband and I have been married since September. He has recently taken a manager position and it's eating up a LOT of his time, he usually works between 10- and 14-hour days. The past few months our sex life has taken a dive. First we both were sick. This past month we've both been healthy and still we've only been together twice. It makes me feel unwanted and unattractive, and most of all sexually starved. I've always been a very active sexual person. I never had a lot of partners, but when I did it was more than twice a month. We've talked about it, and he says he's just to tired and he feels I push him for sex. I am 21, and he is 36. Do you think our age difference might be causing our difference in sexual urges? What do you think I should do to get our sex life out of this way-too-early-funk? Please help! --DyingForSex

Laura's Response:

Dear DyingForSex,
Work stress and illness can really hit hard on your sex drive, and his too. Obviously, you want to reconnect with him sexually, and that's admirable. So first, start talking: Find out what turns him on, how he likes to be approached, and make some date nights! Let him know how important the sexual aspect of your relationship is and that you want to renew it. A great way to reconnect is to find out his favorite fantasy (naughty schoolgirl? dirty nurse? office slut?) and act it out! Bring the fun and laughter into your sex life again! If he's really tired, you can pamper him with a lovely erotic massage (check out our Ginger massage lotion tinged with pheromones)! Got a big tub? A sexy bubble bath for two might relax (and heat up) both of you. A really great secret weapon: douse yourself in pheromones--they can really get him in the mood! Perhaps the Lust pheromone spray would be your ace in the hole!

Larry's Response:

Dear DyingForSex,
You're not really dying. Since you're still new at this whole "marriage" thing, let me pass on a little advice I received when I got married: when things look bad in your marriage, remember that 'this, too, shall pass.' Marriage is, ideally, a life-long commitment, and while starting out with plenty of humpity goodness your newlywed year is also ideal, the stark fact of the matter is that this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Now that you've tied your sexual fate with that of another person, you're going to have to get used to what sex therapists call "disparity of desire" and what old married people call "bad timing". As you and your husband continue on your journey, there are going to be times when you want it more than he does and vice versa. A lot of it is dependent upon your age, true, but it's also dependent upon your particular situation, i.e. his job. No doubt your husband feels that it's his job to provide for his new bride and he's devoting a lot of time and energy to it. No doubt you feel that this first year it is more important to establish a lasting physical pair-bond, and you're devoting a lot of time and energy to it. Add in your still-bubbling youthful enthusiasm and his first steps into middle-age, and you've got a potentially explosive situation. As you move into your middle 20s and the novelty of sex-for-the-sake-of-sex wears off a little, and as he gets his late 30s "second wind" things will even out a bit -; but until then, there are a few things that you can do to ease up this issue.

First, since you're the party with the complaint, it falls to you to make the effort to fix it. It might seem unfair, but then marriage isn't about "fair", it's about "livable" -; and if both parties aren't happy, it won't be. So if you want more nookie, you're going to have to alter both your approach and your expectations.

For example, expecting him to put out more than twice a week with his current schedule might not be reasonable. But that doesn't mean that he can't continue the intimate conversation between you two when there isn't any actual sex happening. Love notes, a quick and dirty text message, coming home with chocolate or flowers all let you know he's still thinking about you that way, even if Mr. Pokey isn't ready and available. Clue the poor man in, pointing out that your youthful enthusiasm requires consistent re-affirmation, and that if he's not able to be there in person then he needs to make the effort to be there in spirit. Also, your first year of marriage is the perfect time to insist on establishing twice-a-month "date nights" that imply sex afterwards. Put them on the calendar, and then make damn sure he remembers to work his schedule around them. Leave the cell phones alone, go someplace nice, make him not talk about work, and turn on the feminine whiles without being pushy about the pokey. After a glass of wine or two, some compliments on his manly physique (a little embellishment here is perfectly acceptable) and a quietly whispered litany of how he makes you hot over coffee and dessert might be just the thing he needs to relax enough to let the magic happen.

But that's twice a month, and you need more than that -; I understand. In between elaborate date nights, consider attempting three or four quickies a week. But keep in mind that they are quickies, by definition they aren't the grand buffet of love-making implied in date nights. Surprise him in the shower when he's getting ready for work (if you set the alarm ahead 20 minutes, then he won't be able to complain that "he doesn't have time"). Consider being a "giver" a couple of nights a week, if he complains he's too tired to perform. That way the pressure he feels to pleasure you is dramatically reduced, as is the accumulated pressure he feels from work. That doesn't mean you have to go without, however -; get a trusty vibrator and while you're being a giver, go ahead and give yourself a couple, too. While the experience might not be as satisfying as the full treatment, it can take the edge off enough so that you both get a little of what you want without recrimination. Also consider renting a cheap hotel room not far from his work and surprising him with an "off-site vendor meeting" around lunch time every couple of months. That will help drag your sex life out of the bedroom, accommodate his busy schedule, and pump some excitement back into your life. Or learn the fine art of phone sex and seduce him (try to stick with nights and weekends on this -; they're usually free).

But don't assume that the man who has just pledged to take care of you and love you for the rest of your life is somehow repulsed by you, isn't attracted to you, or doesn't want to have sex with you. The transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife is a difficult one for both of you, and we all start out our marriages with highly conjectural ideas about just what our roles should be. The reality is usually so far from our fantasy that it can really throw you, but that doesn't mean it has to be fatal to your marriage. Cut your man some slack, realize that he loves you and just wants to take care of you, and try to meet him half way before contemplating doing anything stupid. Remember, as unhappy as you might be with the present arrangement, this, too, shall pass.