Ask Laura & Larry, January 2009

Dear Laura and Larry,
I would like to know how couples or individuals clean out the anal canal so that fecal matter does not get all over the object inserted, be it a cock or dildo. I have tried many ways but have always found that some brown remains and spoils the whole experience. I have watched the sex pros and it seems as though the anal canal is super clean. What preparation needs to be done? --Cleanie

Laura’s Response:

Dear Cleanie,
To indulge in any kind of anal play, you should be in perfect anal health. Normally, if you go slowly and carefully, there should not be any fecal matter to spoil the fun. If you are consistently having this problem, you should slow down your activities--anal play is a slow and loving process! Some people plan ahead before anal play and have a high-fiber meal for a “cleansing” movement beforehand. Other prefer to use an anal douche (try the Carefree Anal Douche). Finally, always use a condom on anything that goes up the back passage--it makes for easy clean-up and prevents bacteria from attaching to toys or body parts.

Larry’s Response:

Dear Cleanie,
Anyone adventurous enough to make the bumpy journey down the Hershey Highway has got to expect to get a little mud on the tires. That being said, the pros avoid such embarrassments with a combination of thorough enemas before the scene and clever editing afterwards. While this might seem unromantic and not very spontaneous, a thorough evacuation and enema is your best bet to reduce the amount of residue. If that still isn’t adequate for your level of squeamishness, might I suggest dim lighting, a blindfold, and scented candles? Any additional concerns after these basic measures have been taken suggest that perhaps back door love should be a mere experiment, and not a permanent part of your personal repertoire.

Dear Laura and Larry,
With my husband, sex is good, but he can only go for a couple of minutes before he gets off. At that point, he is done for the night. We have tried the sleeves, and they seem to work great for him but don’t feel so good for me. Can you recommend anything else that works that may feel more natural? –Prolonging

Laura’s Response:

Dear Prolonging,
Did you know that the average time from penetration to male ejaculation is only 3–4 minutes? Anything longer than that is icing on the cake. A little desensitization is in order here. Not enough to numb him, but enough to “take the edge off.” You were on the right track with the sleeves, and it’s too bad they don’t do much for you. I recommend something very simple that doesn’t require a lot of fussing: A&E Delay Spray. This is a slightly numbing spray (with benzocaine, a safe topical anesthetic). Spray it directly on the penis head, let it soak in (after all, you don’t want to numb yourself), then have your fun!

Larry’s Response:

Dear Prolonging,
The “One Hit Wonder” syndrome is all too common, and depending upon the age and health of the man in question it can be rectified a number of ways. First, there is the natural way: give your man a “special handshake” a few hours before your encounter as a kind of sexy warm-up. That should take the immediate edge off for him and allow him to relax and prolong your later encounter – but it’s important that after your loving performance you re-engage him erotically within fifteen minutes or so, so he doesn’t lose interest. Pose, dance, talk dirty, watch some of the fine Adam & Eve Productions videos, and perhaps demonstrate your own “handiness” for him. That should keep the pot simmering long enough for you to enjoy an extended encounter. But if the South won’t rise again after forty-five minutes to an hour of passive stimulation, then gently propose that he discuss the issue with his doctor. As a man ages it’s natural for his desires to decline, some – but too much declining and he’s in the realm of Erectile Dysfunction (ED), a medical condition that has many proven drug therapies these days. Also consider his diet and nutrition, as a lack of some trace minerals can inhibit Mr. Happy from coming out to play. The most important thing to remember is how you approach this most delicate of subjects with him. Most men are highly sensitive about their ability to adequately perform, and too forthright a manner in how you address the issue can lead to bruised egos, hurt feelings, and performance anxiety – and you don’t want that! Instead, discuss the issue calmly after the fact, when he has his masculine armor back on, and make sure to put it in terms of being a mutual challenge. Ask him what else you could do – who knows? Perhaps you’re just too sexy for him, and you could tone it down with an attractive mu-mu or something. In any case, this is an important issue in your relationship and deserves to be treated as such by you both. Good luck!

Dear Laura and Larry,
I am pregnant and getting close to my due date, and of course after the baby’s birth the discharge instructions will be no intercourse for 6 weeks. I would like my husband to stay happy. Any suggestion on toys or ideas until we can have sex? --Baby Coming, Sex Going

Laura’s Response:

Dear Coming and Going,
There are quite a few ways you can be sexually close to your husband without having intercourse. You’re going to have to get creative with hands, mouth, and any other body parts you want to bring into play! For loads of good fun, I highly recommend a good masturbator. Try the Futurotic Pocket Pal or, for better value, the Cyberskin Stroker Triplets.You can use it on him (try it while he’s blindfolded!) to aid in a dynamite hand job, and you can combine it with a good blow job (so you won’t have to gag).

Larry’s Response:

Dear Coming and Going:
Arrgh! First, congratulations on your new kid – and if you think it’s difficult planning and executing any kind of sex life now, just wait until insomnia and a new baby crying invades your life. But that’s a different issue . . . Take it from me, more than likely sex will be the furthest thing from your mind in those crazy first six weeks. But if you are like many women, you might begin feeling the desire return, at least a little, after the first four. Don’t worry, it does come back! The ironic thing about this period is that while you will probably not even want to think about sex with all of your new responsibilities (and the psychological challenge of balancing your natural horniness with the fact that you are someone’s MOMMY now), but the truth is that your husband probably needs your love, devotion, and sexual attention now more than ever. As he and the new baby compete for your attention, the kid’s probably going to win out every time, and after years of being top dog in the doghouse he’s going to have to get used to the idea that this new puppy will command the lion’s share of your attention for the foreseeable future. In my experience, if you do not reach out to him to assure him that he is still a vital part of your life, resentment will start to creep in. Believe me, that’s a road you don’t want to go down, not when you are vulnerable, scared, doubting everything you are doing, and need his strength and character most.Luckily there are many, many things that can be done to mitigate this unfortunate circumstance. There’s masturbation, of course – make sure you cut him a little slack if he has to take care of business a little more often, and even participate in a tangential way by buying him a couple of DVDs and a masturbator (also known as a sleeve, a pocket pussy, a Pirate’s Cove, and other cutesy nicknames) such as the many fine ones we sell – a personal favorite is the . You can even have some fun helping him get the hang of it the first few times as he figures it out. That brings me to your second line of defense, increased manual stimulation. Give the poor guy a handjob in the shower before work, for example, or after one of those lovely 4 am feedings. (side note: promising some relief if he gets up first, changes the kid, gets the nursing supplies ready, and burps the little tyke before he lays him down can turn a grumpy, cantankerous brute into a loving and supportive partner in less than sixty seconds). Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, consider increasing your oral activities dramatically. There are a number of reasons for this. For one, he’s bound to be grateful, happy, and willing to walk through hot coals for you afterwards, if his stress level even approaches what mine was during my early daddy days. Secondly, if you’re into it, swallowing his ejaculate will introduce additional prostaglandins into your system. As you may recall from your labor and delivery classes, prostaglandins are the hormones that make the uterus contract during labor, and afterwards. While the result might be a little uncomfortable, it is thought that it will also help your body make the conversion from gestational machine back into a normally functioning woman. But there is a bonus: prostaglandins also act as a bonding hormone between you and your man, cementing your emotional bond during a time that is bound to see both of you at your most vulnerable. Too often the post-partum relationship between Mommy and Daddy flares out of control as stress, sleep deprivation, pain and this suddenly new and utterly helpless person in your life put stresses on your relationship that you never dreamt of. The fact that you are even considering the matter when so much else is at stake speaks well of your devotion to the relationship. And expect that first post-kid adventure in intercourse to be really, really bad. That’s OK – it gets better quickly, for most women. But be prepared to find it a little anticlimactic – no pun intended. Patience, understanding, and communication (and a willingness to take care of his needs even if you don’t feel stellar about sex yourself) will go a long way to get you back to your loving couplehood.

Dear Laura and Larry,
I have a question about anal sex. My boyfriend and I are just getting started, and so far, I really enjoy feeling him back there. He is really easy with me and gentle. My problem is, that, well, his package is really big (2.5 inches wide, 10 inches long, lucky me!). How deep can he safely enter me back there? So far, he can only go about halfway in and I feel some minor discomfort but am afraid to let him go deeper. --Backdoor Honey

Laura’s Response:

Dear Backdoor Honey,
There are two sphincters in the anus that have to relax to accept anything up your back alley! Once both of them are relaxed, they can stretch quite a bit--surprisingly far, in fact. There should be no anatomical reason you can’t accept his whole length, but you’ll have to go very slowly and gently--the problem comes if he is too “vigorous.” Anal sex has to be gentler than regular vaginal sex. You need to be plenty lubed up (try the A&E Anal Lube), and start small when inserting--with fingers and smaller toys, before working up to accepting his penis. Make sure you are comfortable and relaxed, and if it hurts, you must stop at once. Pain is your body’s signal that something is wrong. It may take up to an hour, or even longer, before you are ready for such a large object in your backdoor, so take your time!

Larry’s Response:

Dear Backdoor Honey,
My, you are a fortunate woman! Yes, the allure of the dirt road is hard for a man to pass up, especially if you have an eager and willing partner. Anal sex is an art, and one that takes some skill and practice to become good at. When your paintbrush is 10” long and 2.5” wide, though, every artistic endeavor should be approached with some key things in mind.Firstly, the human anus is remarkably resilient, and can handle a fair amount of stretching. If you doubt this (and you have the fortitude for it) check out some of the more extreme gay porn over at Adam Male to see just how resilient it is – 10” is a gracious plenty for most red-blooded American women, but those fellas routinely (and ecstatically!) accept significantly more on a regular basis. That being said, backdoor fun on too regular or prolonged a basis can, indeed, lead to permanent damage that will require surgical correction. But I wouldn’t worry much – just save the “tradesman’s entrance” for special occasions, maybe twice a month or so (or a little more if you’re really into it!), plus anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, and Forth of July. Of course by now you know that proper lubrication is a key factor of the art. Everyone has different lube preferences, so I’d suggest you check out the wide variety available at the Adam & Eve website and experiment a bit before you settle on one. YOU CANNOT USE TOO MUCH LUBRICATION IN ANAL SEX. Slick that willy up and give a generous smear to your stern before you start the project. Inserting a couple of fingers or a small toy first also helps warm things up, and could help prevent damage later. Thoroughly evacuating and using an enema might also help, especially when it comes to getting him in DEEP, where you want him. And while we sell a few different kinds of lotions designed to desensitize the anus in preparation for butt-love, I’ve heard very mixed reviews about them. Most contain lidocaine or benzocaine solutions (the numbing agent you get at the dentist before novocain, and the active ingredient in Solarcaine) which does, indeed, numb the rectum, reducing the pain you feel when he first wiggles up in there. But the flip side is that even a trace of lidocaine residue getting on his schlong can prolong the process dramatically, increasing the likelihood of an uncomfortable outcome with each passing stroke. Use such products with caution (they have other uses, however, including soothing pubic razor rash. Don’t ask how I know this, just trust me.) and preferably with a condom.But of course the ultimate solution is just practice, practice, practice. In time you’ll stretch out a little and be able to accept more of his thick throbbing devotion. Eventually he’ll give you the whole thing, and then you’ll REALLY start to appreciate just how big 10” really is! May the Force be with you!

Dear Laura and Larry,
What am I to do? My husband is unable to perform any longer due to an injury. Am I supposed to just never have sex again? --Worried

Laura’s Response:

Dear Worried,
As I am always recommending to people, you’ll need to broaden your definition of “sex.” There is plenty of fun you can have, and still be physically close to your husband, without having a hard penis involved. He can still touch you, lick you, taste you, and bring you pleasure. You can get some fun toys to use, and he can use them on you, as well. Experiment some, and you might find your sex life entirely rejuvenated! To begin with, I recommend that you get a really good vibrator, particularly a rabbit-style vibe so that you can experience the triple joy of penetration with G-spot stimulation and clitoral stimulation all at the same time. Check out the Rabbit Pearl Ultra Vibe. Don’t forget to invite him into the fun and have him use it on you! As for having sex with your husband, go for a great strap-on, like the DP Strap-On, which is designed to be worn by men--and it comes with a small dildo (you can get other sizes to fit in it easily).

Larry’s Response:

Dear Worried,
Quit worrying. While this unfortunate and sad episode has wrecked your erotic routine, every proverbial cloud has a silver lining. In this case, it’s the chance to expand the scope of your sexuality.Since you didn’t mention the exact nature of your husband’s medical issue, I can’t speak to the specifics. What I can do is let you know that his biggest sexual organ is not the one you’re fondly missing right now, it’s the one under his hat. I once knew a quadriplegic who was paralyzed from the neck down and confined to a wheelchair. He also had a stunningly gorgeous girlfriend who confided in me that they enjoyed the hottest sex she had ever had. The secret, she said, was remembering that sex is as much a mental and emotional experience as a physical one – and that the challenges involved made it all the more passionate.Of course there is masturbation, and I encourage you to examine the stunningly large selection of Toys for Twats at Adam & Eve. But woman cannot live on batteries alone (or at least most prefer not to) so here are a few suggestions. If you and your husband can no longer contemplate straight-up intercourse due to his injury, then consider turning extended foreplay into the main event. If he’s like most men, his self-esteem and self-worth are likely in the toilet due to his inability to please you. Re-engaging him sexually, even if he initially finds it frustrating, is vital to keeping your relationship healthy. Strip for him, play with yourself for him, give him a sensual massage. If his tongue still works then you have cunnilingus as an outlet, of course, and I encourage you to indulge to the fullest. If you want to kick it up a notch, then consider the bold, adventurous step of buying an anal vibrator. More and more men are realizing the power of their prostate when it comes to sex, and if he hasn’t experimented with it already it’s likely his situation has expanded his horizons a bit when it comes to getting off. A gentle prostate massage is intensely sexual for a man, if he can overcome any residual homophobia. Make certain you assure him that you realize he is not gay in any way, if you need to, but by all means at least try it. And if he’s into it, and physically able, then you might also be able to re-create the physical intimacy and the sexual intensity you enjoyed with regular intercourse by purchasing a double ended dildo, and using it in his bottom and in your pussy at the same time. It isn’t an elegant solution, perhaps, nor will it live up entirely to the satisfaction you once found in intercourse, but it’s a way to get orgasmically sweaty together.Lastly, remember to engage his mind sexually. Write him dirty poems or stories. Pose for some alluring (even dirty) pictures or videos. Dress up in costumes and perform for his amusement. Wake him up by whispering simply filthy things into his ear while you masturbate next to him. Send him a picture of your boobs or pussy on his cell phone while he’s at work. Buy a wig and pretend to be a foreign spy or your own evil twin for an evening. Because the most powerful sex toy of all is your imagination – but you have to use it, if you want the fun it brings! Good luck, and enjoy!