Tips For Hooking Up Online

I have a dirty little secret. Actually, I have a few dozen dirty little secrets, ranging from the time in third grade when I pulled the fire alarm and made the whole building evacuate to last week when this woman asked me to fix her “plumbing” while her husband was away. But those aren’t the dirty little secrets I was talking about. No, this little secret is something far, far worse – I like browsing personal ads online.

Name a site, and I’ve probably visited it one time or another. I’ve seen bad girls, big girls, kinky girls, and cougars. I’ve seen young guys desperately trying to get laid, older guys desperately trying to get laid, and married middle-aged men on business trips desperately trying to get laid. I’ve seen BBWs, SWFs, gay guys offering to blow straight guys pretty much everywhere imaginable, subs, doms, couples looking for another playmate to join in, a GILF looking for a “hot young studmuffin to munch on” and a BBW4TDHw/BD&LoM. (Don’t ask – I never did decipher that one.)

Along the way, I’ve picked up a few things (knowledge, not STDs) that I thought I’d share with you to try to eliminate some of the stigma surrounding the mysterious world of online dating and hook-ups.

1. Set realistic expectations.
So, you're middle-aged divorcee with an average-paying job, a few kids, and what people charitably call "average looks." Odds are that you're not going to dig up a nubile young lover half your age no matter how much time you spend on Craig's List, so you're really better off not wasting your time trolling for sorority sex kittens or frat boys in need of a spanking. (In the unlikely even that you do find any sorority sex kittens or happen to be a sorority sex kitten yourself, please email relevant contact information to newsletter@adameve.com.)

2. Know when to be flexible.
One of the most ridiculous errors is posting absurdly detailed requirements. Good luck to the woman looking for a guy who must measures between 5’10” and 5’11”, was raised in the mid-West by dairy farmers, is deeply religious, likes cats, knitting and the outdoors, is a gourmet-class cook, and works as rodeo clown during the day to pay his way through art school at night. Before writing your ad, you should sit down and decide what really matters the most to you and the areas you can be flexible. You’ll have a much bigger pool to choose from – making it more likely that you’ll find that special someone.

3. Meet in a public place
This should honestly go without saying. It doesn’t matter how hot they claim to be or what nasty thing they’re willing to do to/with you, but you should never invite them to your home or visit theirs until you’ve met and talked in a public place. This is a case where jumping straight into the deep end can lead to serious trouble in the form of a stalker or your picture on the side of a milk carton. If you get really lucky, you’ll just end up with a mysterious rash that requires some embarrassing doctor visits and a special cream.

4. Plan ahead
This covers an awful lot of territory. First, it starts as something as simple as having a fall-back plan if this ends up being the absolutely most boring date in the history of mankind. Whether it involves an emergency call or text message or going to the bathroom and running out of the restaurant kitchen, you should prepare an escape hatch. Second, it means having condoms handy in case everything goes swimmingly so your one night stand doesn’t end up in a hospital delivery room nine months later.

5. Don’t be afraid to just leave it at friends
So, the two of you tried it out but never really clicked together. There’s nothing wrong with staying friends if you enjoy each other’s company. Who knows – something might happen between the two of you later or your new friend could even introduce you to that future Mr. or Mrs. Right.