Ask Laura & Larry, April 2009
My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. Our sex life was great until recently. I have several toys, and he would rather use the toys on me instead of us having sex. What do you suggest I do to have him instead of the toys? Please help! -Deprived
Laura's Response:
Dear Deprived,
To start with, I'm glad your man isn't threatened by sex toys! At least he's willing to use them on you. That's a great start. You might have to remind him that the toys don't have to be the main course, they can be the appetizer to get you both warmed up! Toys are about pleasure and sensation; sex is about pleasure as well as an emotional connection to your partner (which is why toys will never replace a person). If that doesn't work, then I recommend going for a toy that you can use together, like the Clit Flicker Cock Ring or the Silicone Triple Orgasm Cock Ring. He puts it on, and it keeps him hard while you both go at it. It has vibrations placed to stimulate your clit, so you feel all the thrills of a toy while you're connecting with your man!
Larry's Response:
Dear Deprived:
Well, the obvious answer is to ditch your toys - but I'm sure neither of you wants to do that. The problem, I believe, isn't the toys, but how your sexuality has changed over the last 10 years. In the early part of the relationship raw passion and lust fueled your naughty moments. After nearly 10 years, you have grown accustomed to each other's bodies, responses, and reactions, and more sophisticated in how you cater to them. You also are dealing with the fact that people's level and focus of interest in their sex lives changes over time. While you were off finding your sexual peak recently, he was becoming less interested in the raw caveman satiation of primal lusts and more interested in your emotional and physical responses to powerful, toy-induced orgasm. He might be hiding some mid-life insecurities, too. Your best bet to help wean him back onto a steady diet of intercourse is to surprise him with sex in places where there aren't any toys around - a walk in the woods, a trip out to the barn, a blowjob in a parking garage, a quickie in your sister's closet, you get the picture. He's likely so fascinated with the potent physical response you're getting with the toys (and perhaps feeling a trifle inadequate) that a re-affirmation of his more primitive side might be in order.
Dear Laura and Larry,
I'm 22 and haven't been with many guys. But the guys I've been with all seem sure of themselves when it comes to making a female get off during sex. I have yet to receive that O from a man. From oral to vaginal, I'm starting to think that maybe it's me. Is it possible that I just can't get off? Or should I keep trying? It's really frustrating to hear my friends talk about great sex when I'm stuck in a rut. --Frustrated
Laura's Response:
Dear Frustrated,
Relax! Lots of women--in fact, the vast majority of them--do not orgasm from penetration alone. Women's orgasms differ from men's orgasms, and sometimes it can be hard to tell if a woman has peaked. Lots of men are confident, which is great--but are they willing to learn? Every woman is different; there are no rules that work on everyone. Not only do they have to learn, you have to learn, too. Have you had an orgasm by yourself, ever? If you can have an orgasm by yourself, then you can have one with a partner. The more orgasms you have, the more you can have as you start to learn when you should tense your muscles, when you should mentally relax, and what exactly it takes to go over the edge. I highly recommend a powerful vibrating toy that you can play with by yourself, such as the G-Gasm Delight .When you know what you like, you'll be able to get it from your partner. Remember: Most orgasms stem from the clitoris, so it needs lots of love. As you experiment, you'll begin to learn what kinds of stimulation you like and what really drives you wild! Good luck!
Larry's Response:
Dear Frustrated:
Sweetie, you can't expect a man to explore the strange new world of your body without a native guide - not if you want the golden O. Part of the problem might just be you - some women are too inhibited or shy about speaking up in a sexual relationship, figuring that the owner of the penis should automatically know how to drive. If you don't masturbate, start - you can teach your body to orgasm and explore just what does get you off. If you do masturbate, then consider being more vocal about where your sweet spots are, and more insistent that he hit them
Part of the problem is definitely not you – too many men are getting their lovemaking skills from watching porn movies and copying those moves. While there are some exceptional videos out there to teach the right skills for the real arts of pleasure it’s important to remember that those performers are actually performing, that is, having sex for maximum visual impact, not for maximum pleasure. Coupled with the sad lack of detailed knowledge about female anatomy, and you have a recipe for disastrous “shortcomings”. And it doesn’t help, ladies, when you reward a miserable performance with a “yeah, that was great!” when it really wasn’t.
Dear Laura and Larry,
My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I'm 24 and he's 36. My problem is I want sex all the time, morning, noon, and night. He tries his best to accommodate my needs, but it's always the same boring routine. I've tried role-playing, dirty talk, and even offering a threesome, but nothing works. He just wants to do the same thing over and over again. Please help! I am internally screaming to be sexually adventurous.--Longing For Something Different
Laura's Response:
Dear Longing,
It's a classic issue in many marriages--a mismatch of desire. And yes, it can be quite frustrating. If he's not getting as creative as you'd like, it might be up to you to find a middle ground. Does he like basic positions? Perhaps the Complete Manual of Sexual Positions can offer some variations that will spice things up. Wanna get him in the mood more often? Bring home some hot adult films--remember, men are visually stimulated more than women! You can use the DVDs, like Dinner Party 3 or Pirates: Stagnetti's Revenge to get in the mood, learn some new tricks, or fantasize together. Even with all the encouragement, he might not be able to rise to the occasion morning, noon, and night, so girl, get some toys before you break him in half. A powerful jackrabbit sounds like it might be right up your alley, check out the Wild G-Spot
Larry's Response:
Dear Longing:
The technical term for this is "Disparity of Desire", and it's one of the top reasons for the long wait in marital counselors' waiting rooms. You see, just like one of your boobs is bigger than the other, or one of a guy's testicles hangs lower than the other, one person in a couple has a higher libido than the other. In your case it's you. It's important to remember that his sexual response to you is not necessarily indicative of his emotional feelings for you - some people just like eating at McDonalds every day, even when there's a really nice, elegant restaurant right next door. You're going to have to face the fact that he's probably going to prefer McDonalds - for now, at least - and cope with it.
Your best options involve getting inside his sexual head and seeing where his interests lie in an effort to invoke his passion. Instead of talking dirty to him, blindfold him (to decrease his inhibitions) and ask him to describe his most recent masturbatory fantasy. If it lacks specific detail, ask him questions and tell him its okay to make something up - perhaps with a bit of stroking just to keep things interesting. Another way to deal with the problem is to take control and initiate more often outside of his normal routine. Many women find it difficult to be "aggressive”, but you don't need whips, chains, or restraints of any kind to demand a lunch-hour quickie, or slip into the shower with him. And if you find him sliding back into his regular routine, gently stop him, re-position, and coax him into something else. You might also want to trade off when it comes to who gets to set the sexual agenda, so that he gets his comfortable routine half the time while you get your sexual adventure on your nights. The good news is that as he ages, his sexuality will change, too, and hopefully in a good way. Good luck!
Dear Laura and Larry,
I've been seeing more and more men in pornos with bent cocks. I don't mean just the common "sag to the side” kind, I mean an actual obvious bend. Is this caused by penis enhancers? -Crooked
Laura's Response:
Dear Crooked,
There are lots of variations on "normal" as far as penises go. A curvature of the penis to a certain degree is common--even if it looks dramatically not normal--and may be a natural genetic trait. A very serious bend--if the penis looks like a hockey stick, for instance, which is known as Peyronie's disease--may be the result of an injury that formed a scar in the erectile tissue. Many kinds of injuries can cause this, such as bending the penis very hard when it is erect, or accidentally hitting it with something. Sometimes such an injury is caused in childhood; sometimes it can be caused by vigorous sexual activity that results in an accident (such as pulling out too far in doggy position and missing your partner entirely and hitting, say, the table she is bent over). I have not ever heard of a penis enhancer causing this kind of injury. If you are talking about cock rings, be aware that they should never be used longer than 20 minutes because blood flow should not be restricted on the body for longer than that amount. If blood clots in the penis, it causes priapism, a condition where the erection won't go down. Be safe in all your sexual play!
Larry's Response:
Dear Crooked:
Not to my knowledge. Barring a (everyone wince) penile fracture, it's pretty difficult to re-shape a penis - even with the so-called "enhancers." If it's bent, it probably started out that way. Now, a penis will, over time, bend slightly away from the masturbatory hand, if used frequently enough (ladies, check your fella's business for veracity) because several years of pushing it from one side will have an effect. But you'd have to be pretty rough on that thing to give it a pronounced curve. The fact is, there are plenty of porn studs who see their bent equipment as a visual advantage over their straight-and-narrow fellows. Depending on the angle and the woman, this can actually be a good thing for the G-spot. And while there are operations that can be done to lengthen the shaft or correct an extreme bend, most guys are happy enough with their equipment not to risk going under the knife unless it's a functional issue.