A&E's Resident Sex Expert: Dr. Kat (continued)

Your questions answered Dr. Kat Van Kirk, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist and licensed Marriage Therapist. This month's question is…

Q&A: How to get lucky more often.

Dear Dr. Kat,

My husband and I can never seem to line up our sex lives. We are busy and are never aroused at the same time along with all the daily stresses we have to deal with. All of our friends have the same issue too. This problem seems super common. How can we get over it? We're happy otherwise -- we just want to get lucky with each other more often.

Sincerely,
Trisha

Dear Trisha,

You're right. This is a very common issue for couples. The typical ebb and flow in sexual frequency can vary greatly from person to person. In fact, it is one of the main complaints I hear about in sex therapy. Couples can have very different biorhythms, initiation patterns and ways they process stress. All of which can negatively affect the ole sex life.

Approaching your partner from the angle that you simply desire your partner and want more sex with them creates a more positive spin versus complaining. In my book, The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life I discuss getting clients into a space that lowers expectations for penetrative sex and orgasm. Paradoxically, this often creates more enjoyable sex and can lead to more frequency and orgasm.

I strive to have couples redefine what sex means to them and to be more inclusive about what behaviors they employ. For instance, make out sex can sometimes be more exciting than the main event. I do try to reinforce though, that it's about promoting physical closeness…period. That means prioritizing opportunities to do everything from getting in a quickie in the shower before the baby wakes up to a little dry humping in the car before you run errands.

This type of opportunist sex play seems to take the pressure off, get away from attempting to schedule in mechanical sex and create more emotional connection between partners despite whatever stress is going on in their lives. If I'm dealing with just the individual of the couple, I'll usually work with getting them empowered to initiate more and see how that goes first. Sometimes it can just be an issue of lack of initiation, especially if one of you has been overly reliant on your partner to initiate in the past.

Also, I suggest targeting morning sex. Testosterone levels are highest for both men and women upon wake up. Couples also tend to be less fatigued than at the end of the day. Plus it's a great way to wake up and know that you got your sexy time in first thing.

Sincerely,

Keep in touch with Dr. Kat:

Sex Chat with Dr. Kat and Her Gay Boyfriend has NEW episodes on iTunes! Comedian Ross Martineau and I chat over cocktails while we answer questions, discuss lifestyle, dating, self-empowerment, adult products, celebrity sex and relationship buzz and frankly somewhat embarrassing personal anecdotes. Sex Chat is bite size (about 20-30 mins) and is perfect for your commute or while you are gently sobbing doing housework with a truffle in your mouth.

Get Lucky With Our 5 Favorite Sex Games (continued)

Strip Poker. Everyone's heard of strip poker, but have you ever played? You and your favorite playmate(s) get dressed. With each hand of poker, the loser has to take off an item of clothing until one person is completely naked. Stop there, or grant the ultimate winner the power to choose what happens next.

Sexy Jenga. Yes, there's an adult way to play this wholesome block-stacking game. Whenever your partner touches a block, you get to touch your partner. Use your hands, mouth, or more to tease throughout their turn - until their chosen block is now atop the stack. Once you touch the next block, your partner gets to touch you. Be a good sport, though: no pushing, shoving, blindfolding, or sabotage (other than the sexy kind).

Everything's Wild. Grab your favorite card deck and a timer with a buzzer or alarm. Assign each suite an activity, such as kissing for clubs, caressing for spades, licking/oral for diamonds, finger stimulation for hearts. Jokers are player's choice. Each player takes turns flipping over the top card and performing the action on their lover for any chosen length of time - say 1 minute, or even 30 seconds. This game is great for teasing yourselves into a total frenzy. Feel free to re-assign the card suites to other activities (spanking, toys) as you see fit.

Kama Sutra Dice. Grab two dice and roll 'em. Take both those numbers and look up the corresponding page in the Kama Sutra, your favorite sex position manual, or even an erotic book. Perform the position or act out the fantasy for three minutes, roll again, and switch. Don't have a book? Many websites host long lists of Kama Sutra positions you can refer to.

Sexy Twister. Make another innocent favorite into a thoroughly adult game by playing it in only your underwear and/or lingerie. Feel the heat of close contact as you bend and twist your bodies to touch the right spots on the game mat (hint: you can make your own version with a bed sheet and paints or markers). If you're feeling especially naughty, you can also go fully naked. Expert mode: apply massage oil to both your bodies before you play.

Want more ways to play? Adam & Eve carries a great selection of sexy board games, erotic dice games, fantasy play packs, trivia games, and body paints great for any naughty couple.

Sex Position of the Month (continued): Straddling the Tree Sex Position

Summary
This intermediate sex position combines some of the best benefits of both cowgirl and reverse cowgirl while providing her with extra support and stimulation.

Content
This sex position will win you both over! Women will love being on top, which allows them to set the pace and control the action. They can even grind against his leg for additional stimulation or brace themselves against it for extra support. And men will love the view as they check out her bouncing breasts and rear at the same time!

Difficulty Level
Intermediate - more challenging sex positions for adventurous couples interested in trying something new

Pros & Cons
+ Allows her to grind against his leg for extra stimulation & support
+ Puts the woman on top so she can take charge
+ Shows off her breasts and rear at the same time
- More tiring than doggy or missionary sex positions

Instructions
A variant of cowgirl, this intermediate sex position starts with the man lying flat on his back and one leg bent at the knee. The woman then climbs on top and straddles his bent leg, leaving their legs locked together. This allows her to rock back and forth in his lap while grinding her clit against his leg for additional stimulation. If she gets tired, she can also lean against his leg for some extra support. It also allows the men to easily tease her breasts or rear during sex.

(Back to the Newsletter)