Savvy Sex Questions with Dr. Jenni (continued)

Dear Dr Jenni,

I'm a 27-year-old guy. I'm in a new relationship with a woman. She's definitely more seasoned than I am and had more partners. I've got to admit that I'm a bit nervous, and I think it's causing performance issues, like ejaculating way too quickly.

My doc said there meds in Europe for this, but not great ones in the US. I also don't want to depend on meds to have sex. Any advice on how to last longer without meds?

Thanks!
-- Michigan dude who wants to last longer

Dear Michigan,

Feeling nervous about sex, especially with a new partner is normal. However, the nervousness can create a negative feedback loop. If you feel nervous, you go into the sexual encounter programmed and ready for disaster. The nervousness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. To get out of the negative mental loop, it's important to abandon the idea that sex is a performance. When we demand ourselves to perform as if on stage, it's not unusual to get "stage fright". Even just labeling the situation as a "performance issue" perpetuates the negative feedback loop!

To support yourself to last longer, there are a few mental and physical components to address. Mentally, stop telling yourself, "don't ejaculate too quickly". It's a shaming and demanding statement we place on ourselves. Rather, tell yourself, "This is about pleasure. I may cum quicker than I'd like, but I have many other ways to give and receive pleasure as I cultivate this skill set." Because men often perceive sex as an escalator that they struggle to keep up with, try slowing or stopping that escalator. The goal is to control the sexual scene and pace in order to maintain control. This way you won't feel like everything is moving too fast ahead of you.

Physically, you want to quiet the anxiety in your body. To do this, take some slow, deep breaths into the core of your belly. You can also do progressive muscle relaxation where you squeeze a body part and hold your breath, then release and relax. The goal with slow breathing is to achieve a state of relaxation as if you are melting into your mattress. This may mean pausing in the middle of foreplay or even sex to take a few of those deep, belly breaths. You can even enlist the help of your partner and say, "I'm working on a new skill set to last longer, would you mind pausing while I relax for a few moments?" Most partners are totally game to be part of the learning process and supportive for the long-term gains.

Lastly, practice. Practice when alone and practice when together. When alone, practice self-pleasure as if you are having sex. Replicate the position, avoid the screen, use lube, and slow down the breathing and stroking. Your goal here is to find a state of manageable arousal where you can endure. I literally call this the endurance zone. This may mean stopping altogether to find your balance and breathe, but the more you practice, the more confidence you will have!

Best of luck—and enjoy the slower ride of pleasure-focused contact.

Warmly,

-- Dr. Jenni

Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST
The Intimacy Institute
Sex and Relationship Therapy
www.TheIntimacyInstitute.org
(720) 331-3354

Chemistry (continued)

Marianna's physical relationship with her steady boyfriend seems to be in peril, thanks to a stranger she met...not online. Could it simply be chemistry, or something more?

-- The Editors

"I want to rub my body all over that," I thought the minute I saw him at the door of the coffee shop. He a was big, about six feet tall or more, maybe 200 pounds, with a deep golden tan, and unruly sun-bleached beard and hair.

Startled and flushed, I buried my head behind my laptop, dismayed to find that at 43 years old I could still be creaming my jeans at the sight of a total stranger. Besides, I'd spent four hours fucking just the other night -- wasn't it enough? Then again, in all those hours I failed to have even the beginnings of an orgasm, despite Brian's valiant efforts. His poor tongue!

I'm a fleshy, lusty lady who likes to take what she wants when she wants it, and I need a man who's solid enough to handle me. At least that's what I tell myself.

The Stranger, who had now seated himself a few tables away, definitely looked like he could handle me. I slowly raised my eyes above the laptop and froze. He was staring at me, a mischievous grin on his face. What the fuck do I do now?

I blushed and lowered my eyes back down. How did he manage to zero in on my needs like that? He started to walk over to me.

"Hi," he said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "My name's Jake. And yours?"

"Marianna," I whispered, noting that my vocal chords suddenly felt husky and dry, my heart was racing wildly and I could barely fucking breathe.

"So," he said quite suddenly, "What do you want to do with me?"

I don't know how it came out. "You know what I want to do with you," I whispered, lowering my eyes in embarrassment, my face flush.

"Let's get out of here." He offered to take my hand. Sheets of electricity ran from my fingertips up my arm, over my neck, and finally down to my hot wet center. Are my knees actually buckling? I struggled to maintain my dignity, but it was a losing battle. I yearned to lose myself in bed to a powerfully masculine caveman, but because of a bad experience with my ex-husband I'd been afraid to give in to my deepest desires, even with Brian.

We went to my apartment nearby. "This is crazy," I thought. I had a game night planned later with some girlfriends, and that was enough to make me feel safe. What's the worst that could happen?

Jake put his hands on my shoulders. When I looked up at him I felt an old familiar crick in my neck absent for 20 years. His big paws roamed over my arms and breasts and hips with slow deliberation, as if he were taking possession of me. I dissolved, feeling soft and yielding, like in an old movie on Turner Classics. He kissed me, his mouth slightly open, his tongue elusive. We moved to the sofa and Jake continued kissing me, without letting his tongue enter my mouth.

Then his hand crept under the waist of my pants and his fingers toyed with vaginal lips, parting them, pressing, teasing. Simultaneously he slid his fingers inside me while his tongue went for my welcoming mouth. I gasped at this gorgeous shock of dual penetration and allowed myself to melt down to the place I wanted to be, spreading my legs, kissing him passionately.

After a few minutes Jake withdrew his hand and laid down on the sofa, pulling me on top of him. My mound was pressed against the iron bulge in his pants and I began to grind against it. Deftly he lifted my blouse, unhooked my bra and took my tits into his mouth. Jake moved his lips to my ear. "That's right, grind it," he whispered encouragingly. "Grind it…good."

And in a moment I began to come -- without penetration, after knowing this man a half hour, I was shamelessly writhing and moaning on top of his huge and generous body.

"Put your fingers inside me," I begged, and he slipped his hand back into my panties to finger-fuck my palpitating pud.

After my orgasm subsided I sat up on him, opened his fly like a lunch pouch and pulled out his gorgeous prick. I stroked it lovingly, studied it, wanting it in my mouth but still wrestling with my original intent not to go too far. We'll see. Jake put his fingers, musky with my juices, into my mouth and teased my tongue.

"You're gonna let me suck it, aren't you?" I said.

He just nodded, the look in his eyes one of commanding certainty. It was this subtle undertone of somehow having little choice that absolved me of any guilt, and I sank down to his cock, opened my mouth and took it in. It slid effortlessly down to the back of my throat. I noticed that I did not gag once, as I often did when sucking Brian. True, Jake's cock wasn't quite as big -- he must've been about 7 1/2" -- but I suspected that the ease with which I swallowed his meat had more to do with passion than size.

"Suck it," he suggested. "Suck that cock and dream of it touching your pussy. Think about the head teasing your lips." He continued talking, like dirty books-on-tape, something few people do in bed and it was driving me crazy. His filthy words spurred me on to more robust sucking.

He reached down with his hand and I pulled his dick out of my mouth, rubbing it across my face, lightly smacking it against my cheerful cheeks -- another thing I love to do. I glanced up at him and murmured, "You know just what I like."

"I have a feeling you like everything," he replied.

"Let's do it," I said, finally dropping my last shred of reserve. "Fuck it, let's fuck."

"How about asking me for it?"

"Fuck me, Jake," I whimpered. "For fuck's sake, Jake, please fuck me. Right here, right now."

We moved to the bed. Jake laid down on his back. To my surprise and relief, he produced a condom, placing it unrolled over one of his nipples, where it looked sexier than any condom I've ever seen. He told me to give him some more head, which I gladly did. After a few minutes he lifted my head, slid the rubber over his cock, and raised me onto him, moving me as effortlessly as if I were indeed a Barbie doll. I lowered my wet slot onto his erection, not even noticing the latex, leaned forward and let my tits fall into his mouth. He moved his hips slowly, giving me most, but not quite all of his shaft.

"Fuck me hard," I gasped.

"Don't worry, you'll get all of it," he said, still holding back. This was clearly a man who would fuck me at his own pace in his own time, but this was also a guy I could trust to do it well.

He rolled me over. "Tighten your muscles there," he instructed. "Squeeze me with your pussy."

I tightened up as hard as I could, desperate to please him. He lifted my legs higher and began to pump it into me, his bulk and weight driving all resistance from my body.

"Is that enough cock for you?" he asked.

I groaned.

"Loosen up, let it go," he grunted. "Take me home, baby." As if I'd been involved in a long arduous struggle, I gave up at last, letting go of my Kegels, surrendering body and being, totally at his command. Jake drove deeper and deeper into me, finally shuddering with the explosion. I felt weepy, shaking beneath his solid body, awed by the miracle of our physical connection.

That was one week ago. Because of our work schedules we haven't seen each other since, but we have a date tomorrow night. Meanwhile, I have been nothing but distracted and reaching for my trusty vibrator.

I think that Jake may, as my horoscope puts it, prove to be quite a challenge. I say bring it on.

-- Marianna M.