A&E's Resident Sex Expert: Dr. Kat (continued)

Your questions answered Dr. Kat Van Kirk, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist and licensed Marriage Therapist. This month's question is…

Q&A: Stress is killing my sex life.

Dear Dr. Kat,

My wife and I both work full time, have three kids and she's recently been diagnosed with a chronic health issue. Our house is underwater and the medical bills never seem to stop coming. The stress is running our lives and sex seems to be the lowest priority of it all. We want to stay together and weather this but at times it just seems like we're best friends dealing with a lot of life stressors. We are at a loss. What do we do?

Sincerely,
Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Life does happen. The most important thing that you and your wife can do in times of stress or crisis, is to turn towards each other instead of away. Many couples will withdraw into themselves during periods of stress, either working late or using substances to just numb out from day to day life. It's understandable. No one likes to suffer.

But there are times you can actually use stress to become closer as a couple. It involves becoming one another's sanctuary in the storm. Learning to be present and vulnerable with your fears by communicating and staying physically connected can make all of the difference.

Addressing individual stress levels when you can (practicing self care by eating well, working out, delegating, getting a sitter occasionally etc), can help you free yourself up for taking care of your couplehood as well.

Make sure that even during the worst of it, that you are getting a cheap date night here and there. Set time to decompress about your day but don't bring it in your bedroom. Once your in your room for the night, avoid screens and learn to just revel in one another. Regular physical affection can help you stay connected and in the mood for sex. Be sure to treat your bedroom like a literal sanctuary as well. Do your best to avoid clutter and make your bed some place you enjoy being.

Reducing stress and setting yourself up for success can truly help you weather any situation while helping you stay connected as a couple through sex.

Sincerely,

Keep in touch with Dr. Kat:

Learn how to set your sex life up for success! Get Dr. Kat's hit book (a self help guide for people who hate self help), The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide for Saving Your Sex Life. Now for just $2.99 for a limited time on Amazon.

Protect Your Love Life From Stress! (continued)

And it's not just holiday stress or job stress working away at your libido -- it could be anything. So what can you do about it, besides self-medicating with alcohol or something else? (Talking to you, Colorado and Washington!).

Here are some easy steps to take in your day-to-day routine to reduce stress and encourage sensual things like sex:

1. Take care of yourself.
See how we did that? We separated "self" from "your" for emphasis on all that is you. On a daily basis, do something that is focused on you. A walk. A meditation video on YouTube. Yoga. If you want to spend money, use it on massage, personal training, or even therapy.

2. Have a coming-home ritual.
Many readers might remember how Mr. Rogers would come home, hang up his coat, put on his cardigan and sneakers before starting his show. You want to create a ritual that says "I am no longer at work, I am now at home." It can be as simple as lighting a candle and pausing to smell the aroma. Or make a pot of tea. 10 minutes of stretching or yoga makes a great "re-set" button.

3. Chill out, decompress, alone.
If you're living with someone, it's tempting to immediately chat about the day when you get home, especially after a commute. Try putting that on pause. Go to another room (a bedroom can be ideal) and shut the door. This is a perfect time to change out of your work clothes, or at least lie down and reflect on the day, or write some thoughts into a journal. 10 or 15 minutes later you'll be more present with your partner. And keep it quiet. No game apps on your phone.

4. Schedule time together.
Work and family and work again can really put demands on a couple's relationship, let alone their sex life! Be mindful of your obligations, then pull out your calendar and mark down some "date nights" for just the two of you. Sure, you'd love your feelings of affection and sexual desire to be spontaneous, "authentic," un-rehearsed, etc. But let's face it, you both have a lot demands on you that are sapping the energy from your physical relationship. So schedule date night (or date morning or afternoon on weekends), and now you both have something to look forward to. How can you have sex if you can't find time to be together?

5. Tune in to your sensuality.
Each of us lives inside a physical body. Sure, your brain is an amazing organic computer and fantasy machine, but your physical self has a large say in whether or not you ever enjoy sex again. Think about what your body experiences during a warm shower. Close your eyes and feel the patterns the water makes on your skin. Or have dinner by candle light -- at home. Let those first bites linger. Breathe in the wine. Notice how the light dances in your partner's eyes. As lovers to each other you'll find this kind of sensual tone-up will help you in bed later.

6. The importance of slack.
Hey, it's okay if you're not a perfect sex goddess or sex god. Besides, the neighbors aren't going know anyway, right? But it is important to talk to your partner about your shared frustrations and together, brainstorm some ideas to bring back the magic. Plan a weekend getaway. Smell the sensual coffee. Bring a new vibrator along! (We can help with that.)

Sex Position of the Month (continued): Crouching Lions

Summary
This Kama Sutra sex position creates a leg-locking version of cowgirl that makes her G-Spot easier to find and provides extra support.

Content
You'll need some flexible legs for this advanced sex position. The Crouching Lions position is a more advanced version of cowgirl. The sex position puts the woman on top for better control and makes it easier to reach her G-Spot.

Difficulty Level
Advanced - Kama Sutra sex positions that require significant strength and flexibility

Pros & Cons
+ Puts the woman on top to control the pace
+ Allows for better G-Spot access & deeper penetration
+ Provides extra support for the woman
- Requires highly flexible legs and knees
- Difficult to hold for extended periods of time

Instructions
This Kama Sutra sex position starts with the man lying flat on his back. He lifts his feet up and bends his knees, almost like he was sitting in a chair that fell backwards. His legs should be spread apart. The woman slips between his open legs, making sure to position her feet outside his thighs for stability. She then kneels down on top of him. He can squeeze his legs around her for support, while she braces herself against his knees. The position is great for deeper penetration and makes it easy to reach her G-Spot for increased thrills.

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