In the still hush hush realm of sex and sexuality, asking “am I normal?” is definitely normal.
Normalcy is a huge topic. We seek affirmation for and reinforcement of our thoughts, emotions, behavior, and choices throughout our lives. Yet paradoxically, we also want to believe that we’re extraordinary – unique and special in some way. Drilling down to sex, we are by nature sexual beings, yet sexuality is commonly the most suppressed and least explored element of an individual’s character. Pleasure is a priority. To experience sexual pleasure can be both exhilarating and unnerving, all too frequently causing us to hit the brakes during our journey of sexual exploration to wonder, “Am I normal?”
For a deeper understanding of our unique sensual potential, we take on the challenge of deconstructing desire, an essential aspect of sexuality. At its most complicated and powerful, desire is an emotion rooted in passion, and it is passion that drives our most fulfilling pursuits, including the pursuits of sexual pleasure and love. Open the door to desire, and an array of pleasure possibilities will be revealed.
Why do our sexual desires cause us to question our normalcy?
The dynamic nature of desire.
The desires that drive us to seduce and be seduced change throughout our lives, often under our conscious radar. Everyone enjoys various pleasures uniquely and to different degrees throughout one’s life. Don’t allow sexual nostalgia to hold you back from embarking on a new sexual adventure.
You may love watching your partner masturbate, especially when you first got together, yet lately you’ve been imagining sensually shaving her as she lies back reading erotic literature aloud with a sexy French accent. Is it normal to desire to introduce some je ne sais quoi into the bedroom? Absolutely. Through experimentation, lovers maintain a mutual fascination and keep expectation alive.
Passion is intoxicating, and as with anything in which we imbibe, one can wake the next day and incessantly dwell with a complete disregard for the vulnerability of our exposed state. Suddenly, in trickles insecurity. Although we’re inquisitive creatures with a natural craving to experience what seems exotic to us, sexual exploration requires confidence.
Striving to experience the new can be intimidating. Step one is the willingness to toss our fears to the wayside, break out of our sexual comfort zone, and try. Be adventurous and bold. Give it a whirl. Actively pursue the delightful possibilities that lie within your untapped erotic imagination.
Remember that the appetites and experiences of lovers will never be identical and are always changing. Boundaries change over time and as a relationship deepens, one lover may become more open regarding sexual exploration, while the other may have been willing to experiment in her youth but is more inhibited today.
A fulfilling sexual relationship revolves around the discovery of what you both want as well as the conveyance of these assorted, dynamic desires. Individual desires can become shared desires only when lovers freely communicate. Sharing is sometimes difficult, but take heart -- those that go out on a limb find the fruit!
Desires often surprise.
People may believe that they know quite well who they are and what they want, yet self-discovery is ongoing, and most aren’t aware of at least some of their proclivities and desires.
The unexpected provides a rush synonymous with sexual arousal. Yet as much as we enjoy the thrill of surprise, an unanticipated turn-on such as a newly imagined sexual fantasy can be alarming; we naturally hit the pause button and worry, “Is this normal?”
A flash of daring transports us to that instant when we’re living purely for the moment – an ultimate state of aliveness. Danger, like pleasure, exhilarates. Just as we long to be extraordinary while simultaneously seeking out affirmation of our normalcy, we’ll continually seek a thrill, all the while fundamentally desiring a life of security. Power has been declared the ultimate aphrodisiac. This may link more directly to prosperity, which is sexy, but it also equates to power exchange. A light bondage and submission fantasy such as one partner binding the wrists of the other, denying her/his ability to act -- to touch -- exemplifies a common, completely normal desire to surrender oneself to the experience of a tantalizing taste of danger followed by a release and return to safety -- a perfect blend of peril and pleasure.
Fantasy feeds the fire of desire, and role playing can release inhibitions and nurture deeper feelings of intimacy between lovers. We shape our sense of self in our most intimate moments. Lead one another to dare to awaken latent desires and see where they may lead. A relationship that’s as exhilarating as it is reassuring is forever.
Desire, for all its ups and downs, is ours. It belongs to no other. Embrace your ever-evolving sexuality and be your normal. Normal can be wondrously extraordinary!
Author’s Note: Sexuality is a powerful force in human consciousness and must be respected as such. Maintain a healthy sex life. Play safe and be clean, honest, and consensual in every sexual activity and intimate encounter.
© Jude Schell, all rights reserved.
Click Here to Read Part 2: How often are people REALLY having sex?
Coming up soon in the Sssh.com/Adam & Eve “Am I Normal” series:
Part 3: “My body responded like this,… is that normal? Physiology, erogenous zones, and finding your pleasure center.”
Part 4: “Taboo, but I like it! Am I normal? Stretching society’s notions.”
Jude Schell, Sssh.com’s newest sex commentator and cultivator of bliss, was named by Curve magazine as a “Top 30 Trailblazers who have shaped the way we view and have sex”. Her bestselling books, Her Sweet Spot, Lesbian Sex, and The Guide to Lesbian Sex have been translated into German, Mandarin, Polish, and Dutch. She’s also a producer of film, theater and television. Read more interesting and useful sex info, plus watch original erotic movies for women and couples at www.Sssh.com. Click here to get started.
