A&E's Resident Sex Expert: Dr. Kat (continued)

Your questions answered Dr. Kat Van Kirk, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist and licensed Marriage Therapist. This month's question is…

Q&A: Lila wants to spice things up.

Dear Dr. Kat,

My husband and I have been together 5 years now. The sex has been waning over the last three or so. I daydream about it being as intense as it was when we first met but it just isn't anymore. Does that mean something is wrong? How do I turn up the heat and get the spice back?

Sincerely,
Lila

Dear Lila,

First of all, join the club. Most of us in long-term relationships lose the intense, initial romantic spark we had at the beginning of our relationships. Some of it is simply biochemistry - our bodies weren't designed to stay in that heightened sense of arousal and the more familiar we get with our partners, the more comfortable we become which means the influx of hormones and chemistry change the longer we are together. That's not a bad thing. We learn to establish patterns the longer we are with a partner. Patterns can feel comfortable because they become apart of our expectations. The same ole sexual repertoire can sometimes feel unspontaneous, limited and uninspiring, which can lead to boredom, disinterest and the feeling that maybe something in your relationship is wrong.

Alas, all is not lost when it comes to spicy sex though. We just need a little bit of openness and the willingness to prioritize sexy activities. The beauty of it is that adding spice doesn't mean that you have to make major changes. It's more about tweaking the recipe to your taste. The Gottman Institute has reported that couples who maintain variety and spontaneity seem to stay together longer and are happier. This means breaking out of your patterns and becoming aware of opportunities when you can mix things up a bit. It may be that you jump into the shower with him unexpectedly when he wakes up early for work, or you working your foot up his shorts under the dinner table, placing a random kiss somewhere different on his body when you walk by, suggesting a date night where you have a glass of wine and shop for a sex toy you can both use online, reading him a bit of an erotic novel, throwing on a new style of sexy panties that you make sure he sees when you're undressing for bed and even using a little porn might be helpful.

Whether you initiate one of these suggestions or you have a dialogue with him about how you'd like to add a bit more spice, it will serve you well. Small tweaks can equal big results. Partly, because it shows how you care about him and the quality of your relationship. Either way, agreeing to prioritize sex and sensuality can work wonders in helping to keep your relationship hot in the long run.

Sincerely,

Keep in touch with Dr. Kat:

Learn how to set your sex life up for success! Get Dr. Kat's hit book (a self help guide for people who hate self help), The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide for Saving Your Sex Life. Now for just $2.99 for a limited time on Amazon.

5 Essential Threesome Tips! (continued)

Planning
All of our couples agreed that the most satisfying threesomes are actually planned. They shouldn't be drunken, spur-of-the-moment decisions. The couples decided what type of threesome they wanted to have (be it Male-Female-Male, Female-Male-Female, or trios of the same sex), ahead of time and how they would arrange things. For instance, some men get turned on by another man having sex with their girlfriend. But some men just want to watch, while others want to participate as well. Some men might want to have sex with their girlfriend as well as the other guy.

Leave the Romance at the Door
Threesomes are about sex and sexual gratification. Major complications can happen if a member of the couple develops strong romantic feelings for the “third wheel” and vice versa. You don't want to mix sex and love in threesomes as they can cause significant issues later down the line. Some couples suggested picking a friend to make things more comfortable, while others suggested strangers were less likely to cause problems. It's up to you and your partner to decide which route is best for you.

Discuss the Possible Aftermath
Jealousy is a common emotion after a threesome, so it's important to discuss things beforehand. What will happen if someone is feeling like they haven't received enough attention during the threesome? What will do you do if either of you get “attached” to the new person? If it's a complete disaster - or an overwhelming success - would you try it again? Knowing the answer to these questions ahead of time will help you decide if a threesome is right for your relationship as well as helping you avoid an emotional meltdown afterwards.

Location, Location, Location
The best place for a threesome, hands down, is a hotel room. If things go badly, this makes it harder for the third to find you and your partner. And it can also prevent location-triggered memories. Your personal bedroom should be a place for fun and relaxation - not something that makes you think about a failed threesome. Wherever you end up, stock up on condoms and other protective equipment in advance so you don't need to do an emergency drugstore run.

Get the Ball Rolling
The best way to get things started is with the established couple initiating foreplay and then having the third slowly join in. Don't rush into things until everyone is ready to take it further.

Sex Position of the Month (continued): Swinging Reverse Cowgirl

This woman on top sex position is easier to do than reverse cowgirl and offers greater clitoral stimulation.

Difficulty Level
Beginner: a basic sex position that is fun and easy to do

Pros & Cons
+ Puts the woman on top so she can set the pace and take control
+ Less strenuous than traditional reverse cowgirl for longer-lasting fun
- Forces her to do most of the work

Instructions
The man sits on the bed, leaning back with his arms braced behind. The woman kneels down on her knees while facing away from him. She gently lowers herself onto his lap while leaning forward to rest on her hands. She can then rock back and forth on her hands and knees while grinding her clit against him for increased stimulation.

Review Roundup! (continued)

Foot Long Double Dildo
"I was very sceptical of purchasing any kind of toy because my husband wanted me to. He is overseas and wanted me to be happy at home while he is gone so I visited this site for almost 3 weeks before I settled on this one and since the day the mailman delivered it I have not been without it… it is under my pillow… I am hooked!"

Swirltop Butt Plug
"This toy feels GREAT. True, I wish the base was a little longer to get it to stay in during "activities", but a thong helps to keep it in. Vibrations are strong yet quiet. I love walking around in public with this thing. There is nothing hotter than shopping and having a conversation with the sales clerk while its humming in my ass. I recently had it in and set to HIGH while riding my bicycle and I came in my spandex! LOVED IT!"

Pearl Beaded Prolong Ring
"THE WIFE THOUGHT SHE GOT NAILED WITH A FENCE POST… WOW, WE BOTH CAME REALLY HARD AND IT STAYED HARD. THANKS!"

Carmen's Personal Massager
"This item is like a Sweet and Sour food dish. On the one hand it is "sweet" for very sensitive nerve areas in back a penis and for just UNDER and AROUND a lady's nipples. But it is "sour" for use on larger areas of flesh where nerve endings are deeper. Not a bad item not a great item. Like a Christmas Fruit Cake, it's OK if you're really hungry."

(Back to the Newsletter)