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You can Ask Dr. Kat by emailing her at ask@drkat.com. Dear Dr. Kat, I'm in a new relationship and things are absolutely great between my boyfriend and me. We're really compatible in all areas of our life except sex. There just seems to be no sexual chemistry between us. It takes either one of us forever to initiate and once we do we seem to fumble a lot. It ends up being awkward to the point that we end up not wanting to even have sex. I am sexually attracted to him and believe he is to me but I can see us staying together and just dealing with the fact that good sex just won't be apart of our relationship. Do we have any options? Thanks, Dear Carly, Plenty of couples do sacrifice passion for stability and friendship. I don't underestimate the value of finding someone you can share the majority of your life with. However, the fact that you've chosen to write in tells me that perhaps you won't be able to settle for this lack of sexual chemistry. Sooner or later this issue may continue to rear its ugly head whether it's through underlying resentment or maybe one of you being attracted to someone else. But there is hope in your situation. It's a newer relationship, meaning that maybe you just have to put some time and communication into dealing with this issue. Time should consciously be spent early in relationships on learning about one another - the positive and the negative, and also on building a strong foundation to carry you through the rest of your relationship. Building a strong sexual foundation shouldn't be ignored. There's an old saying that when sex is good it's makes up only 10% of the relationship but when it's bad it's 90%. Being that you two are in the early stages, you have the opportunity to address these issues and then make a decision regarding whether it's worth staying in. Acknowledging that sex can be difficult to talk about - especially with a new relationship, I'm wondering how much of your concern has really been spoken. Too often I see people drift into a pattern of behavior that they're not happy with, without a word, and then months or years down the line it ends up ruining the relationship. All because no one wanted to "rock the boat" and say anything. So step up! You could pull him aside and make a point of mentioning all of the wonderful things that are working in your relationship and then say something like "I want our sexual relationship to be just as strong as the rest of what we share. Can we do something to build a good foundation to our sex life too?" Here are some questions to ask one another:
It sounds like you both have a lot going for you otherwise. I believe it would be really worth it to address this issue and give having a completely fulfilling relationship a shot. Not everyone comes with one another's "owner's manuals" so to speak, so maybe you two need to begin writing your own for one another. Sincerely,
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Spend some time playing free sex games - like "Sexy Picture Find" & Connect the Dots. Download some wallpapers & learn about our sexy contract girls. |
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Candidly Speaking Last month I talked about my Femme line of erotic movies for couples and my line of Natural Contours vibrators, all of which can add excitement to an intimate relationship. This month I'll talk about how to introduce these types of products in to the bedroom. But first, what are the benefits? Simply put, just like indulging in a favorite meal day after day, after a while the flavors grow familiar, predictable. You begin to long for something different. Making love the same way every night also becomes predictable. It's good having a partner who knows what we like, but predictability leads to boredom. It's important for the health of a long-term relationship to be playful and creative in bed, open to trying new things. However, sometimes we're shy about suggesting something new, afraid of being judged or rejected, or concerned about hurting our partner's feelings or making them feel inadequate. So what's the best way to go about it? | |
I always suggest starting off with a positive, like, "I love how you perform oral sex on me", and then add, "Do you think you could do it a bit longer before entering me? It just feels so good." This way he or she doesn't feel they're being criticized, but rather complimented. Adding a sex toy might call for even more delicacy. Your partner might think that they're not "enough". This makes it even more important to assure them that you are happy with them. You might start off with something like, "we have such a good sex life", and then add, "wouldn't it be fun to see what it feels like to play with a vibrator together?" Key here is describing it as "fun", something you "play" with "together". And indeed, both men and women can use sex toys. While a woman might use a vibrator in order to climax, many men enjoy holding one along the shaft of their penis or lightly against their testicles. Dildos are a great way to extend intercourse if the man needs a rest or has climaxed and the woman wants more. Key here is using it together. It's very important that the woman makes the man feel a part of the experience. Perhaps she can show him how she likes a vibrator held against her so he can do it for her as she climbs to a delicious climax; or he can extend intercourse by using a dildo on her while she stimulates herself to orgasm. He's actively involved with the use of the sex toy, a participant rather than a voyeur. Next month I'll talk about the positive uses of viewing an erotic movie together and how to introduce the idea to your partner. Candida Royalle is a former star of the blue movie screen who in 1984 created Femme Productions(R) and pioneered the genre of woman-friendly adult erotica. In 1999, she launched the Euro-designed Natural Contours(R) line of high-style discreet intimate products. She's the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do, (Simon & Schuster) and a sought after lecturer at universities and professional conferences, including the World Congress on Sexology, the American Psychiatric Association and the Smithsonian Institute. Royalle's product lines are available through AdamEve.com. For more information about Candida Royalle, visit www.candidaroyalle.com. |
Sex on the Fifty Yard Line With the season well under way, most women have become resigned to spending the next few months as a football widow. Sure you can try to drag your hubby away from the big game or his fantasy team by "accidentally" cutting through the cable line while doing a little gardening, but there are much easier and more enjoyable solutions. Instead of fighting his football fever, you just need to work with it. For every chore he gets done around the house, reward him by letting his friends come over to watch the game while you cook up some tasty snacks. Or play his "beer wench" for one evening without shaking the can so hard that it explodes in his face when he opens it. And of course, you can always incorporate football into your sex life. It can be something as simple as putting on his favorite jersey one night and tackling him in bed. Or you could come up with a hot role playing scenario where your guy makes the winning touchdown and you, as head cheerleader, give him a special reward. Adam and Eve has a number of cheerleader-themed movies and even costumes to help put you both in the mood. |
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