A&E's Resident Sex Expert: Dr. Kat (continued)

Your questions answered Dr. Kat Van Kirk, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist and licensed Marriage Therapist. This month's question is…

Q&A: Does lack of experience mean you're a bad lover?

Dear Dr. Kat,

I'm dating someone new and I have to admit that I haven't had a lot of sexual experience thus far. I really like this girl but feel like the first couple of times we had sex that she was disappointed in my performance. I don't think she had an orgasm either time. I feel like I might be doing things all wrong. How can I be a better lover?

Sincerely,
Chuck

Dear Chuck,

All of us want to be sexually, emotionally and physically satisfied in the long haul. Ultimately, it's about feeling a sense of connection to one's partner and wanting to contribute to their happiness in and out of bed. It's all related -- sex does not exist in a vacuum. By the way, just because you've had less experience doesn't mean you're a bad lover. We all have to learn a new “owner's manual” when we have sex with someone new. What works with one person doesn't always work with the next. Feeling like a good lover has more to do with creating your own confidence, communicating about what works with your partner and an openness to exploring that.

Since pleasing your partner is so subjective, how do you know when you're doing something right? Some people assume no news (aka complaints) is good news, but I would go a step farther. Ask yourself a few questions, does your partner seem happy with their sex life? Do they give you verbal and/or non-verbal feedback that they are satisfied in bed? Do they go out of their way to make you happy when having sex? When sex is going well, you should be able to answer yes to most of these questions at least some of the time. But you'll never know unless you ask - especially with a new partner, whether you have a ton of experience or not.

Many people suffer in poor sexual relationships because there is some basic need not being met, only to years later breakdown and leave because they can't take it anymore. Signs that there is something wrong include: lack of interest in sex overall (they'd simply rather be doing something else), lack of eye contact, lack of physical affection even outside of the bedroom, and petty fights over unrelated issues.

How do people who don't have any skills get them? You simply have to get out there. If you go slowly, maintain your integrity and respect whomever you are with, you can't lose. The more you do it and ask for feedback, the more confident you will become. It's not about doing everything right. And by the way, you are not responsible for her orgasms. If she expects your assistance in coming, she needs to show you what works. Some women think this will somehow offend their lover but if you can be open to a few guidelines, it will pay off. Plus, it shows you care - always a good way to start any relationship.

Sincerely,

Keep in touch with Dr. Kat:

Learn how to set your sex life up for success! Get Dr. Kat's hit book (a self help guide for people who hate self help), The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide for Saving Your Sex Life. Now for just $2.99 for a limited time on Amazon.

5 Things You Didn't Know About Adam & Eve (continued)

Keeping in mind, Adam & Eve's unique history and accomplishments, here are 4 (or 5) Things You Didn't Know About Adam & Eve:

1. Adam & Eve was started in 1971 as a student project in response to a law written by Congress nearly 100 years earlier. The Comstock Law was a federal act passed on March 3, 1873, as the Act for the "Suppression of Trade in, and Circulation of, Obscene Literature and Articles of Immoral Use". In other words, women couldn't learn about birth control methods or family planning -- and men couldn't buy condoms. Condoms! Our founder Phil Harvey felt Americans should be able to do both, through mail order. He attracted customers with ads in magazines like Playboy and Rolling Stone, and on New York City subway cars.

2. The Federal government nearly put Adam & Eve out of business in the late 1980's and early 1990's. A conservative administration in Washington engaged in the culture wars of the time and tried to prosecute Adam & Eve for selling adult VHS tapes and magazines. We fought back and eventually the cases were thrown out of court as lacking merit. This costly exercise of our free speech was a close call.

3. Adam & Eve submits every adult DVD we sell to a rigorous set of content standards. An in-house staff of reviewers watch every minute, and some DVDs are also viewed by an outside sexual health professional. For example, even light bondage scenes inspired by popular erotic fiction must show adults consenting to the sex they're performing. (Truth be told, many Harlequin Romance “bodice rippers” would not pass our consent guidelines!)

4. In the beginning Adam & Eve was selling condoms through the mail to mostly college students. Then over time our audience got older and more interested in other adult products, like vibrators, lubes, lingerie, and pretty much everything you see in front of you at our website and in our catalog. By the way, Adam & Eve embraced online shopping early while still offering a printed paper catalog to customers who prefer it.

5. And here's the answer to a question that get's asked a lot: adult movies are not filmed anywhere near our offices and warehouse. Nope. For your information, nearly all XXX videos and films are made in Chatsworth, California. (But some of us have met Ron Jeremy. And he's real nice.)

Sex Position of the Month (continued): Mare's Position

This illustrated sex position puts the woman on top so she can take charge while fostering a closer and more nurturing relationship with her partner at the same time.

Difficulty Level
Beginner - a basic sex position that almost anyone can do

Pros & Cons
+ Great for increasing intimacy & fostering a close connection
+ Allows the woman to set the pace and take control
- Not the most comfortable position especially over an extended period of time

Instructions
Balancing power and intimacy, this position builds on a woman's natural sexual instincts to increase pleasure for both of you. Start with the man sitting up in bed, preferably with his back against the headboard for extra support. The woman climbs on top, facing away from him. This sex position is a more intimate version of reverse cowgirl with greater contact between partners. It also leaves him in the perfect position to tease her nipples or clit during sex as well as kiss her neck, ears or other hot spots. While reverse cowgirl is intended for more active riding, this position is better suited for slow and sensual rocking to increase your intimacy even further.

New - Review Roundup! (continued)

Lace Heart Bikini
Excellent set. I felt so sexy in it and my boyfriend seemed to agree. It is really adjustable so if you have tiggle bitties or bitty tatas, junk in your trunk or just a lower lower back, it will fit. Wear it with a pair of pumps or wedges. But go for the pumps as your playmate will probably insist you not stay standing for long. By far my favorite piece of lingerie so far.

Mighty Mite Pocket Rocket
My wife's eyeballs are still reeling in her head!

The Accommodater Dildo
the accommodator definitely accommodates a womens needs!!!!!! i loved it so much. my husband did not mind wearing it!!!! he actually said he could put it on his forehead up side down and be a unicorn for halloween!!!!!! LOL!! great product!

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