A&E's Resident Sex Expert: Dr. Kat (continued)

Your questions answered Dr. Kat Van Kirk, an AASECT certified Sex Therapist and licensed Marriage Therapist. This month's question is…

Q&A: NEW YEAR'S SEXUAL RESOLUTION

Dear Dr. Kat,

I'm a 35 year old married woman in a ten year relationship. It's gotten to the point where is seems like I'm having the same sex all the time. My husband says he is up for trying something new but I'm not sure where to start, since he probably won't initiate the changes. Basically, my sex life has hit a wall. How can I expand my horizons (and my husband's) in the New Year?

Sincerely,
Val

Hi Val,

New Year's resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for a lot of positive change — and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you'd like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh. You can do this by doing two things: 1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them and 2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don't make the mistake of going overboard too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn't suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn't go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing. However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you'll both need to find out is what turn's you on at the core? What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don't rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable. If you can't think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you're willing to go to fill one another's fantasy. An example might be that he'd love to try anal sex with you but you're not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you'll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you're comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he's a control freak but you've always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for "light" S&M play; satiny sashes that don't tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a "safe word" that lets you each know when you're seriously done playing – many people like to say "no" or "don't" as a part of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as "kumquat" or "constellation".

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it's even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates – it doesn't have to be a profound change – just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you're both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn't work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

Happy Holidays,

Keep in touch with Dr. Kat:

Learn how to set your sex life up for success! Get Dr. Kat's hit book (a self help guide for people who hate self help), The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide for Saving Your Sex Life. Now for just $2.99 for a limited time on Amazon.

Dr. Kat Van Kirk is a licensed marriage and sex therapist. She is the resident sex expert for adamandeve.com. Find out more at DrKat.com

Guilty Pleasures: Erotic Fiction (continued)

Just as many people are attracted by thick, natural, or trimmed pubic hair, there are just as many who find a shaved pubic region highly arousing. Sometimes these men and women are too inhibited to ask their lovers to shave "down there", fearing the request might be interpreted as too kinky or critical. But you should consider broaching the subject with your lover. You might be quite surprised by their enthusiasm.

One Woman's Experiment

Flight attendant Julie met straight-laced engineer Jack on a flight to the west coast, and sparks flew immediately. Several months of long-distance courtship later, the pair decided to take the plunge and move in together.

"A few days after we moved in I was arranging some furniture when Jack called my cell. He was letting me know he would be getting off work early, and he asked if I wanted to drive out to the beach. I said of course and he told me he'd pick me up in about two hours. After I hung up, I decided to pack a picnic dinner for us. I went to double-check the recipe on his tablet and couldn't believe what popped up.

"It was sites with videos with the craziest names – Naked Beavers, Slick Chicks – all stuff where the women were shaved. I knew I should stop looking, but the more I clicked through, the hotter I found myself getting checking out his browsing.

"There were all these totally naked women with beautiful pink and plump pubic areas with everything showing. Their lips were visible up front even when they had their legs together. As I looked at the pictures my hand wandered down between my legs and I found myself playing stroking my own hair, wondering how I'd look with it all shaved off.

"I went to the bathroom and got undressed. Standing before the full length mirror on the door, I admired and petted my light blonde pubic hair. I trimmed it occasionally, but I and my lovers had always liked how soft it was. I'd never shaved before.

"I started out by running a hot bath. While the tub filled, I trimmed my hair down to its shortest length ever. When the scissors couldn't get me any further, I grabbed my razor, sat on the edge of the tub, drizzled warm water all over, and then smoothed on a layer of shaving cream.

"Taking my razor in hand, I started working on it. I was surprised by how long it took. The front part was easy, but then I had to scoot forward and spread my thighs wide so I could get all the fine hair around my lips, and then prop one foot on the wall and lean back to take care of all the hair between my pussy and ass. When I finished, I slid down into the bathwater and stroked my newly-bare and ever-so-sensitive skin. It was hard not to be transfixed by the sight of my own body, so strange looking without a single hair. I even felt like I looked younger, and couldn't stop touching myself in the bath to the fantasies I was having. But before I could come, I made myself stop, get out of the bath, and then I went to assemble my costume."

A Boyfriend's Reaction

"When I walked into the apartment, my jaw almost hit the floor. Julie ran over and jumped into my arms, but I almost didn't recognize her. She looked like the hottest nymph you could ever imagine. Her long silky blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail and her firm, full tits were jammed in a tight blue t-shirt. But the real eye-catcher was her ass in these teeny, tiny denim shorts – you couldn't wear them out of the house or you'd get arrested. They grabbed her ass and then I grabbed it too and pulled her hot body against mine.

"My blood was nearly boiling from the body heat Julie was generating. She rubbed her crotch against my fully rigid cock and then pulled away from our embrace so she could lead me into the bedroom.

"'I think the beach will have to wait for a while, Jack,' she whispered into my ear as she unbuckled my pants.

"'We might not get to the beach at all this afternoon,' I whispered back.

"'That's okay by me.' Julie grinned as she shoved me onto the bed. Her lips surrounded my cock immediately. She has the most magical mouth I've ever felt, and loves to moan greedily between every slurp and suck. She treated my pole like a lollipop. Before too long I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back any more, so I eased her up into my arms and kissed her hard on the mouth.

"As our tongues wrestled wildly, I eased my hands down into her jean shorts and tightly gripped her luscious ass cheeks. Julie was writhing, moaning, and squeezing my cock as we continued to make out. Then I got one of the most memorable erotic surprises of my life. I had unsnapped Julie's shorts at this point and eased them down around her ass until they fell to her ankles. As I began to rub my hand over her pussy, I gasped audibly, causing Julie to giggle lewdly. Her pussy was absolutely bare! Julie had somehow discovered my favorite sexual turn-on – a clean shaven pussy. I rubbed my fingers over her smooth, hairless labia and nibbled on her breasts through the thin cotton t-shirt.

"Julie pulled off her T-shirt and wrapped her legs around my shoulders as I began to savor the taste of her hairless beaver. I couldn't believe how she could have known what a thrill a shaved pussy gives me. I was planning to tell her about my fetish for shaving soon, but I wasn't sure how. Now I was overjoyed to find out that she was a step ahead of me. As my tongue explored her cleft, I rubbed her clit with my fingers.

"All she wore at this point were her white knee socks, which she stroked all over my back as she worked her crotch into my face. I moved my mouth up slightly and started to gently nibble on her clit, alternately sucking it and flicking my tongue over it with quick, darting jabs.

"Julie told me she was very close to coming and that she wanted to feel my cock inside her right then. I had to quickly pull my pants and underwear off, but I must have set a record for stripping because in a flash I was naked and plunged my dick balls-deep into Julie's hot box.

"If you've never fucked a woman with a freshly shaved vagina, you've got to try it at least once. But I'm warning you, you might get hooked on the sensation. Julie's mound was quivering an intense rhythm on my stiff rod.

"I also love to watch my cock slide in and out of a hungry pussy with no bushy hair to hide the view. In order to get a better view, I rolled over onto my back, keeping Julie impaled on my cock all the while. As I got situated comfortably beneath her, Julie sat up and straddled my prick like a rodeo star. She started to grind her pussy heavily onto my erection and I made rapid, solid jerks with my hips in return. She reached around and grabbed my balls with her left hand and started to knead her large, rosy red nipples with her right hand. I joined in her tit massage, squeezing her large breasts between my fingers. We locked into a perfect fuck groove and our lust-crazed groans signaled the eruption of our powerful mutual orgasms. Julie's pussy clenched around me and milked me as I came until she'd gotten the very last drop."

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