When we do not communicate our sexual desires, it sends the wrong message to our partners. When we do not talk with our partners and tell then exactly how we feel about our sexual experiences, we do them and ourselves a disservice. It is a disservice to them because they think they are pleasing us when in fact they may not be. It is a disservice to us because we do not receive the most pleasure that we can from our sexual experience. It’s important to always remember that we are responsible for our sexual pleasure, no one else but us. This is why it is extremely important that we learn how to communicate our sexual wants, needs and desires.
1. Build Intimacy
Intimacy is so much more than hot, steamy sex! It extends far beyond the confines of the bedroom or wherever you chose to have sex. Intimacy is an essential building block of relationships. It is the glue that binds two individuals together. It is a choice to expose the very depths of your mind, body, spirit and soul! Being intimate includes: kissing, holding hands, eye contact, doing things together like taking a class. But it also includes sharing experiences - past and present, exposing our vulnerability and building emotional connections by communicating our fears, dreams, wants, needs, desires, etc.
2. Enhance Sexual Pleasure
When you learn to communicate your sexual desires, it takes the sexual experience to a whole new level because you are actively engaged in the process. You are totally involved and participating versus just lying there hoping that your partner pleases you, which by the way is not their responsibility. We must not only show up but we must also be present in every experience in our lives in order to reap the total benefits, sexual activity is no different. At the end of the day, your partner is going to make sure that they are satisfied, so why shouldn't you?
3. Take Control of Your Sexual Experiences
When you communicate your sexual desires not only does it enhance your pleasure but it puts you in control of your experience. When we look for other people to satisfy, we are often times left unfilled and even a bit resentful. But who is the blame? We are! We have to be willing to speak up and advocate for our pleasure. We have to be courageous and bold enough to tell our partners, in a loving way of course, what’s working and what’s not working for us. We have to be able to say I love it when you do this. It feels so good to me and turns me on. I need more of this and not so much of that because this gets me off every time. When you say things in a loving manner, you are less likely to bruise their ego when you tell them what they have done wrong or what you don’t like, because who wants to hear that right? However, when you stroke their ego and building them up by telling them all the ways and things that they are doing that makes you feel good, you’re more likely to get what you want every time. At the end of the day even though it is not your partner’s sole responsibility, they really do want to please you.
4. Orgasms Should Be Real!
Now I know at some point, we all have faked an orgasm! We laid there moaning and groaning and even making a face or two while our beloved partners thought they were pleasing us when actually they were not. As a result, we left the experience feeling more frustrated and sometimes even hornier than before. But who’s fault is that? Ours! Yup Ours! When we fake an orgasm, it sends a powerful message to our partner. It teaches them two things: that we were sexually satisfied and what they are doing sexually works for us. Once that message has been received by our partners, they will continue to operate in the same manner because they feel that they have been successful when in fact they have not. If you want to experience real orgasms, then you must be willing to communicate your sexual wants, needs and desires to your partner.
The essence of communicating your sexual desire lies in your ability to be open, honest, and respectful of your partner. It also requires you to trust, feel safe and vulnerable enough within the context of your relationship to allow your beloved to see the real you - because after all your sexual desires define a significant part of who you are.
Finally, learning to communicate your sexual desires begins with you. It’s all about discovering, exploring, embracing and unleashing your sexuality. When you are able to do that, you will begin to experience pure unadulterated pleasure! So stop faking, start communicating and begin enjoying your sexual journey!
Dr. TaMara is an internationally renowned clinical sexologist, sex therapist, educator and speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has served as a consultant various organizations, colleges and universities across the country including the Department of Health and Human Services, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the American Psychological Association, just to name a few. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is also the Editor-in-Chief of Our Sexuality!, the premiere magazine for all things related to women’s sexuality and sexual health. Dr. TaMara holds a PhD and Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality, Master's of Social Work and Master's of Education. Learn more about Dr. TaMara on her website at www.drtamaragriffin.com.
