Hillsborough, N.C. – In a surprising upset, Harry Hardcock stormed to victory last night on a flood of last-minute votes that left his opponent reeling and flopping in his wake.
Hardcock, who will formally enter the Oval Orifice after his inauguration in January, thanked his legions of supports – from lonely housewives to curious guys willing to experiment – for their campaign contributions and their votes.
“Without the help of people like you, I’d be stuck in some warehouse or store, just gathering dust,” Hardcock said to thunderous applause. “Instead, I’m out there, all over America, helping each and every one of you and feeling like I’m part of you and part of your lives.”
Hardcock went on to lay out a blueprint for his first 100 days in office with a five-pronged plan that will lay the course for his stay in the Oval Orifice. “Health care. Young people who can’t afford an education. Military’s future. Economic turmoil and No workable immigration policies,” Hardcock proclaimed. “These are the main problems facing America, the HYMEN issues I call them. And with your help America, we’re all going to band together and push right through that HYMEN. And from then on, it’s just a matter of laying back and enjoying it as we build our future together!”
But while the bands were playing and children laughing at Hardcock’s headquarters, there was no joy in the Mudville convention center where the MacJohnson camp had gathered to watch the election reports. The mood started off festive, with early polls placing MacJohnson in the lead, but things soon turned sour as the Hardcock began to catch up and quickly built an insurmountable lead. As the news grow worse and worse, MacJohnson supporters started quietly sneaking out of the room while others began hitting the bar more and more often.
After finally conceding the election at 11:34 pm EST, a clearly disappointed Dick MacJohnson addressed his remaining, liquored-up supporters and pledged to continue fighting the good fight. “We must not let the failures of the past distract us from the good we’ve done or our future plans for world domination,” he said. “We’ve helped countless people over the course of this campaign, relaxing their muscles and releasing their tension. We’ll come back, bigger and stronger than before, and maybe a few inches taller if those pills work like they’re supposed to!”Meanwhile, back at the Hardcock campaign, staffers had broken out bottles of champagne and lube while others were passing out bowls full of condoms, cock rings and other sex toys in preparation for the victory night orgy. Hardcock, who had already starting celebrating courtesy of an eager intern sitting underneath the podium, ended his speech on a positive note. “But we can worry about all those problems and stuff tomorrow – because tonight we party!”